Sex File: I'm worried there will be no love-making during our holiday

'When you haven't had sex for ages, getting things going again feels really odd'

Mon, 03 Jul, 2023 - 06:00

Suzi Godson

Our sex life is fine, if infrequent. I'm fine with this most of the time but I do expect things to pick up a bit when we are on holiday. Last summer we came back from two weeks away without having had any sex. I don't want this to happen again when we're away in a few weeks. How to tackle this?

If you can't get past the awkwardness before you leave, this problem will climb into your suitcase and come with you, so don't wait until you are on the plane to get sex on the holiday itinerary. When you haven't had sex for ages, getting things going again feels really odd. One of the main problems is that couples try not to talk about it, but like the proverbial elephant in the room, they are acutely aware of its absence.

Unfortunately, the ease with which couples can talk about sex seems to be proportionate to the ease with which they can have it. Often one partner feels that they have single-handedly tried and failed to address the sexual vacuum. However, the response a person gets when they ask for sex is often determined by the way they framed their request. 'Why do you never want to have sex?' is accusatory and likely to create shame and distance, whereas 'I would love to feel closer to you' is a bid for connection that is more likely to elicit a positive response.

Being jet-lagged, bloated, drunk or snappy are all reasonable excuses for not having sex on holiday, but you both need to make a concerted effort to relight the fire. Maintaining a good relationship requires intentional commitment from both of you and that means talking about the reasons you are avoiding sex.

Although not having sex can be a sign that something is seriously wrong in a relationship, it is, possibly more frequently, an indication of sexual apathy. Neglect any fire and the flame will go out. It's often not even about sex.

In 2014 a study by the UCLA Center on the Everyday Lives of Families observed 30 couples with young children in their homes over the course of four days and found in that time most of the partners spent a total of 35 minutes talking to each other. Most of that talk was about errands, chores and work. The researchers concluded that the couples seemed to fail to make their relationship a priority.

If you find it difficult to discuss the issue, have a look at the free Gottman Card Decks app. Designed by relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, it comprises cards with questions that help couples to explore their relationship. The ones you need are the "Salsa" decks about sex. The category Mild explores how to increase romantic connection, Medium is for couples comfortable with sexual intimacy, and Hot contains ideas to explore spicier sexual fantasies.

Although it is a bit cheesy, there is a lot to be said for handing communication over to a game. You are more likely to laugh than to feel intimidated and that's good, because it will help you to feel closer.

In committed relationships, sexual excitement is a function of closeness, intimacy and trust. Research shows that couples who cuddle, even when they keep their clothes on, have more sex than couples who don't. Sharing a six-second kiss is another technique devised by the Gottmans, which went viral on TikTok. Six seconds is long enough to demonstrate intentionality and that in itself is enough to strengthen your emotional and physical connection. Actively encourage kissing, cuddling and communication before you leave, and you can expect fireworks while you're away.