Lighten Up: Alien encounters on the farm

Auld Lehane's alien encounters could well be a case for the Mulder and Scully

'I first encountered alien life about 20 years ago, when I had a field of barley ready to harvest, only to discover a big flattened circle in the middle of it.'

People often ask me: "Have you ever seen Martians on the farm?"

For it would seem, that there is very little I haven't experienced.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have often had close encounters with aliens, only I never bothered to mention it here. For this is a farming paper and not a sci-fi magazine.

We deal with reality in this publication, on the ground stuff, and not life on Mars.

However, today, owing to the fact the world seems to be gone crazy with talk of alien life, I have decided to tell all.

So, here's what I have seen on my farm in West Cork over the years.

Auld Lehane's alien encounters could well be a case for Mulder and Scully.

I first encountered alien life about 20 years ago, when I had a field of barley ready to harvest, only to discover a big flattened circle in the middle of it.

Now, this class of an annoyance went on for many years, before I found out the root cause.

That was the day I spotted a flying saucer hovering above the field.

And as you might expect, from watching Spielberg movies, it soon landed, a door opened and out with great pomp and smoke came this strange-looking being.

T'was life Jim, but not as I knew it.

Anyhow, he exited slowly from the space craft, extended his forefinger and started waffling on about wanting to "phone home".

Well, as you can imagine, I quickly got the lad into a headlock and demanded he tell me why the blazes he was flattening all my barley.

The little green man was costing me a fortune.

Tensions were running high between the farmer and the alien.

T'was like the War of the Worlds, only with wellingtons instead of lasers.

"I come in peace," he squealed in desperation, and so eventually I let him go.

Soon we were sitting at the kitchen table, my Martian friend and me.

He had no backside that I could see, but he still managed to sit down.

And fair play to him for that.

He had never drunk tea before either, but was soon drinking gallons of it.

We got talking about this and that, the weather mostly, and then he told me the following.

The reason every alien comes to earth, in the first place, is to try and figure out how to farm.

"We come to earth," says he, "for we haven't a clue how to farm." He was very sincere.

"Look at outer space," he continued, "there isn't a blade of grass to be found, high up or low down.

"And yet here on earth ye are awash with grass, grain, bullocks and sheep."

The man (or at least I think he was a man) was talking sense.

"How do ye do it at all?" he asked.

"With the greatest of difficulty," I assured him.

"How do the farmers of West Cork feed the world?" the Martian cried.

Clearly, he was damn anxious to learn about our farming methods, and I had no problem in showing him the ropes.

And after showing him the ropes, I showed him my pike, shovel and pickaxe.

I showed him my cocklifter, Transport Box and David Brown 990.

"With this tractor," I declared, "You could plough the stars."

The man from heaven-knows-where was greatly impressed.

Then he said: "Take me to your mart."

And, of course, I said I would. "But you will need to cover yourself with a large coat."

"Oh, is that because I'm a strange looking alien?" he croaked.

"Yerra no," says I, "It's because marts are cold in the summer and winter."

Anyhow, we went to the mart and a great day was had by all.

We had a few pints afterwards, and when the Martian had learned all about cattle trading, he was ready to go home.

I got a spin home that evening in an empty cattle truck.

And as for my little green friend? Well once most of the jeeps and trailers were gone from the mart yard, didn't this big spaceship land.

It was about the size of a circus tent, and then in a flash, it had whisked him back home.

Home no doubt, to a galaxy far far away from Macroom mart.