Denis Lehane: Some help with my writing from the AI man

My spelling is uafásach, writes our Auld Lehane in this week's Lighten Up

With the help of the AI man, my hope now is that there will be a dramatic improvement, that I won't sound like me anymore.

The AI man is coming in the morning to help me with my English.

I have been told I need him badly.

"Your English has gone right bad," a fellow said to me the other evening, after the sheep sale in Macroom.

"We can't hardly understand you anymore," says he, as he loaded a few sheep into the back of his car.

And later in the day, I met a highly regarded professor, up the town, who agreed with everything the sheep farmer had said.

"You are a disaster," says he. "What you need is AI.

"Our college is full of AI," he bragged. "We don't have to worry about spelling no more."

"And what about my imagination?" I asked, "People keep telling me I have a great imagination."

"What imagination?" he laughed back.

You can't just keep writing about going to the mart and scratching your backside.

"Get onto AI you fool, and you will be a fool no longer," I was told.

Anyhow, after listening to the sheep farmer and the professor, I have decided to call in the AI, and after the cow has been serviced in the morning, I will invite the AI man in for a cup of tea, and also to look at my spelling.

My spelling is uafásach.

I am working on a book at the moment too, but to be honest with you, my books usually resemble something out of Sesame Street.

They are a long ways from War and Peace.

Right now, I have a side table full of old scraps of paper and scribbling, and my hope is that the AI man will be able to spot the nuggets of gold from the mountain of mud.

A bit like an experienced sheep shearer, tackling an old ram with a scraggy backside, I am hoping that all my dags can be removed, and that we are left with a beautiful fleece.

The AI man will probably be around drinking tea and correcting errors for most of the day.

Yerra, it won't surprise you to know that English was never my strong point.

I was much fonder of throwing myself on my bed in my younger days, after school, rather than doing my homework.

I was much happier playing pool and listening to Foreigner on the jukebox, down the pub, rather than reading Willie Shakespeare.

And sure haven't I all the signs of it now?

I'm probably a right laughing stock in farming circles.

Tis how I was very lucky to get as far as I did.

Anyhow, with the help of the AI man, my hope now is there will be a dramatic improvement, that I won't sound like me anymore.

The change will most likely be immediate. Look out for it next week.

And fair play to the insemination business for offering such a service to struggling writers, mathematicians and musicians.

All, I hear, are benefiting greatly from the expertise the AI service is now offering.

Even Hollywood, I gather, is getting stacks of AI assistance.

Fair play.

And there was I thinking AI was nothing more than rolling up sleeves and frozen semen.

Well more the fool me!

AI is no longer just for the poor old cow, but for the whole world.