Lighten Up: From bullocks to Bolton — it's time to turn marts into nightclubs
Any cattle ring worth its salt, that can hold 25 bullocks in one go, would easily cater for a bunch of love-hungry dancers clinging to each other.
Edwina Guckian is a great lady.
Edwina hails from County Leitrim, and what makes her so great is her resolve to bring dancing back to rural parts. Recently, during the Leitrim Dance Festival, she was instrumental in organising a dance at Drumshanbo mart.
The dance at Drumshanbo was a tremendous success, opening many eyes, including my own, to the very notion of mart dancing.
Who would have thought that a mart could be a perfect venue to dance a merry jig? The people of Leitrim, that's who! And fair play to all involved. For many years now, I have been campaigning, nay pleading, for a return of dancing to rural parts.
Not traditional dance, you understand, only the other kind - the slow dance. The kind that went on in the nightclubs of our youth. Those nights when we clung to each other, while Lionel Richie, Cindy Lauper and Foreigner drove us all bananas.
I was fortunate enough to find my own wife during the slow set heyday, and so can completely understand how those left behind, in the 'departure lounge of life', still cling to their pints and long for its return.
It's a jungle out there in the land of romance. And tis well I know it.
Anyhow, using every connection at my disposal, from political to religious, I have been calling for years, for action with regard to the slow set. But alas, I can't get a hearing anywhere.
The return of the slow set, like the return of Concorde, seems to be grounded and on the blocks. The cockpit was empty, and everyone gone home.
But now hope dawns. Edwina and her friends' success in Drumshanbo is an inspiration to all. With shoes tapping in the mart ring, I see a glimmer of hope, where once there was only darkness.
In a nutshell, if the good people of Drumshanbo can perform a jig at the mart, why can't a mart like Kanturk hold an eighties-themed disco every Friday night?
Why not? Why the hell not? I mean, when you really think about it, isn't the mart the ideal place for a disco? For starters, most marts take place during the day, and dancing takes place in the nighttime. First box ticked.
Secondly, a disc jockey could easily work his magic from the seller's box, or better again, up where the cattle auctioneer might sit. Sure, he can wear the white coat too, if he likes.
And better again, any cattle ring worth its salt that can hold 25 bullocks in one go would easily cater for a bunch of love-hungry dancers clinging to each other, on a what could have otherwise been a very lonely Friday night.
I'm talking sense here, and tis well you know it.
The ring itself, a ring of steel providing a protective boundary, an area where dancing can take place with safety, and with a gate open at all times for those wanting to come in or go out, everything could be run in a very dignified way.
And then, of course, you have a seating area of a mart ideally suited in normal times to cattle trading, but in a nightclub scenario, with the lights dimmed, ideally suited to the fueling up of one's passions and to the whispering of sweet nothings.
And with ample parking outside, and good toilet facilities within, the mart in many ways is far better than the best nightclubs of Monte Carlo. I see no reason why any mart in the country couldn't host an 80s disco, for the love hungry in our midst.
So let us open the mart gates for the slow romantic dancers of Ireland.
Let the of sound of Michael Bolton and Gloria Estefan ring out, where normally the sound of the lonesome weanling bull can be heard.
Open your gates to the love-hungry and let's put an end to all the rural heartache.
