Lighten up: Auld Lehane's top 10 budget proposals to help struggling farmers

With Budget 2026 closing in faster than the plastic being stretched over a freshly-made silage pit, Denis Lehane has a shortlist of measures to encourage farmers to stick with the job

Would this finance minister like to be remembered as the man who presided over a mediocre budget — or the one who famously gave every farmer a brand-new tractor?

With the budget closing in faster than a roll of plastic over a freshly made pit of silage, our Auld Lehane has pieced together 10 budget proposals that he feels might encourage farmers to stick with the job, in spite of all the hardship.

Buy every farmer a new tractor

There is nothing like a new tractor in the yard to make a farmer feel special. And it would be a great legacy to leave behind.

Would this finance minister like to be remembered as the man who presided over a mediocre budget, or the man who famously gave every farmer a brand-new tractor?

It’s a no-brainer, really. The tractor idea is a winner, and it will ensure that the minister will be remembered for decades to come.

Stop taxing farmers

This notion of taxing farming was never a good idea. First introduced back in the 1970s, it stunk back then, and it stinks today. Get rid of it. It’s not fit for purpose. Nobody likes it, particularly us farmers.

Ensure that every farmer has a wife

Now, while this crisis might take more than money to solve, the least we can do is throw money at the problem.

Love in rural Ireland today is as rare as the cry of the corncrake. I’m blue in the face from calling for action on the romance front but, alas, up to now, my cries have fallen on deaf ears.

Financial support for dance halls to bring back the slow set

Sorry minister, but our fearless columnist Denis Lehane does not mince his words: Bring back the slow set. Do you hear us, minister? BRING BACK THE SLOW SET. 

Again, staying on the subject of romance, it has now been conclusively proven that the demise of the slow set is the main reason why rural Ireland is currently so besieged with bachelors.

With dance halls and discos at the coalface of the problem, it would be a very prudent investment to finance the purchase of Michael Bolton records and smoke machines.

Combat climate action: Put money aside for Masses

With the weather gone bananas and our climate action plan falling flat on its face, I believe prayer is the only answer in our battle for good weather. 

A slush fund needs to be set up to pay for countless Masses and rosary beads, which can be used when the hay is on the ground and newborn lambs need to be let out.

Look after the armchair farmer

The forgotten hero of Irish farming hasn’t gone away, you know.

He might be sitting on his arse in front of the telly all day long but the armchair farmer hasn't gone away, you know. Picture: iStock

His farm might be leased out, he might be sitting on his arse in front of the TV all day long, but he’s still one of us. 

I salute you today, my comrades surrounded by soft furnishings. May you rest easy on your sofa, and let’s hope the finance minister realises that you are an important cog in the farming machine.

You are a fabric of farming life that needs to be minded just like your armchair.

A ‘Farm Exam’ for everyone

Ensure that every farmer gets a copy of Irish Examiner Farming every Thursday morning.

This paper remains the most important document in a farmer’s life (bar the single farm payment application of course). With its analysis of farming life and its up-to-date news, views, and market reports, a week without the Farm Exam would be like a week without oxygen.

Cut the price of a pint in rural pubs

Just as agricultural diesel is far less expensive than road diesel, the price of a pint in a rural bar should be less than that in its urban equivalent.

Reduce the price of a rural pint, minister, and give us all a reason to be cheerful.

Give every farmer a free ticket for the Ploughing Championships

As most of us try to get in for free anyway, all the minister would be doing in this regard would be saving us the time and trouble. 

The problem with budgets in Ireland over the past few years is that the freebies are scarce. Free tickets to The Ploughing would be a nice touch.

A ministerial fund for kicks up the rear end and slaps across the face

By giving a farmer a euro every time we get a kick up the rear end or a slap across the face from a dirty tail, farming could be back on track in no time.

If I had a euro for every time this happened to me, I’d be a millionaire today! Minister, for God’s sake, let’s make the dream a reality for farmers on budget day.