Denis Lehane: A fortune at our feet
Denis' new venture will not only put money in your pocket, but a spring in your step.
To say I'm blue in the face from looking for an off-farm income would be an understatement.
I'm purple in the face. I'm green in the gills.
Money in farming right now is as scarce as hair on the head of Kojak.
Margins are as tight as a small harness strapped to the belly of an overweight ram.
There's no money in farming, and that's the truth.
The only winners in the cattle business right now are those who talk about and write about the trade.
The actual farmer on the ground, the person producing the beef may as well be producing hot air, for all the benefits that come from it.
The last time I made money out of beef was back in the days when Gaddafi was buying cattle down in the docks, and Gaddafi hasn't purchased cattle for years on account of being dead and buried and so on.
Gaddafi might have been a bad lad in many ways, but he was a great fellow to pay top money for cattle.
Alas, there is nobody as dependable as Gaddafi in today's beef industry; we are only left with cowboys.
Anyhow, that is why I am constantly looking up other avenues in an attempt to keep the wolf from the door and bread in the cupboard.
And the good news today is that I might have stumbled across a venture that could well be the answer to our prayers.
A venture that will not only put money in your pocket, but a spring in your step.
Lily Allen, the singing sensation, no longer depends solely on her mouth for an income.
Her feet are now bringing in money hand over fist.
And she is not using her feet the way Flatley might in the old days when he'd dance around a room with all the energy of a wild mountain goat.
No. Her feet are, for the most part, idle.
She takes pictures of them, you see, and puts them on her computer, where gullible types pay good money to view them.
It's money for old jam. It's a step up from anything we have heard before.
Her feet are in big demand, by all accounts, from people who use computers daily and who probably don't really get the chance to see feet in the flesh.
Lily's feet are now her greatest asset.
'And what makes her feet so special?' You might wonder.
'Does she have 11 toes or bunions the size of turnips?'
She does not.
The great joke here is that there is nothing at all wrong with her feet.
She has ten toes, just like you and me. The only difference is that she has a head for business and a neck to put her feet where her mouth used to be.
Lily is making a fortune from her toes, and we could do it too.
Today, I'm calling on all farmers with feet at their disposal to examine them straight away.
Remove the boot, peel back the stocking and let's have a look at what the man above gave you down below.
If your toes look agreeable enough, take a photo of them and show them off to the world.
You could be a millionaire by teatime.
Now, I cannot guarantee that your boot contains a winner any more than I can guarantee a winner at Leopardstown.
All I do know is that we will never find out unless you pull out your big toe and show it off to the world.
Selling images of your foot is a no-brainer.
It is far easier than anything else in farming, and best of all, it's a business that won't cost you an arm and a leg to get your foot in the door.
