Lighten Up: Taylor Swift's wedding, almost as good as Puck Fair
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce chose Madison Square Garden, which was a different location entirely to the one I had suggested. Picture: Angela Weiss / AFP via Getty Images
I was told to say nothing, and I said nothing.
Loyal to the end. I promised Taylor and Travis that if their wedding date got out, it wouldn't come from my end. And boy golly, was it hard to keep the trap shut.
Sure, their wedding was the talk of the place. "When will they get married?" I must have been asked that question a thousand times at Macroom mart, both at Saturday's cattle sale and at the sheep sale on Wednesday evening.
"I know nothing," says I. I was as wily as old Mrs Sturgeon. But now, thankfully, with the big day out of the bag, I can reveal all.
Firstly, the reason why I travelled to New York earlier in the year was not, as rumours have suggested, to buy myself a wig. No, no... I went there in an effort to find a good location for the wedding of the year.
For as you'll know by now, Taylor loves my down-to-earth approach to solving life's biggest challenges.
Anyhow, I found a location. "Tis a long ways from the Ritz," says I, "but you and Travis are a long ways from a blushing bride and a bashful groom too." And boy golly, how Taylor laughed at my statement.
"If only I had been born 30 years earlier," she said, "I would have settled down with a fine lump of a man like yourself."
"Join the queue, Taylor," I roared back.
Anyhow, in the finish, they chose Madison Square Garden, which was a different location entirely to the one I had suggested. But sure, at the end of the day, does it really matter? So long as you can manage to get a good pint into one hand, and a tasty sandwich into the other, every wedding can be magical.
Taylor herself is no stranger to the plough, having grown up on a Christmas tree farm. Christmas is very popular in America; they have all the trimmings, like trees and white sauce. Christmas is a boon time in the US, and 'tis no wonder Taylor Swift is so wealthy today; those trees probably made her family a fortune.
Anyhow, back to the wedding and my part in it. We arrived early, so early in fact that I had a chance to slip across the road for a quick pint before proceedings got rightly underway.
During the wedding itself, I was sitting next to the 'Bay City Rollers', or whatever name Travis Kelce's team are called.
Yerra, they were a right big band of bullocks, who needed two seats each instead of the one. And sure, in between all the big heads and the broad shoulders, I couldn't see or hear a damn thing.
Anyhow, didn't Taylor herself spot me in my predicament, and insisted that auld Lehane be moved to a better seat up front, for she could tell that I was a fellow more suited to the finer things of life.
And with the wedding over, and the shaking hands complete, out came the food. And no word of a lie, there was a hot plate for every man, women and child in the house. No expense was spared. No luxury overlooked.
It was like back in the days of the Shah and his tents out in the desert.
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"Would Sir like a drink with his dinner? A pint perhaps? Compliments of the bride and groom," I was asked by a very posh waiter. And sure, wouldn't I be a right fool to say no?
After the meal, the telegrams were read out, and after that came the first dance. Now this was where Taylor and Travis danced to a song, that I can't quite remember. T'was either sung by Lionel Richie, or Richie Kavanagh.
Either way, the dance was greeted with howls and cheers from all quarters. And with a free bar the whole night long, new acquaintances were made, and old enemies forgiven.
If truth be told, tis only now that I'm getting over it, as I try to recall the big day for the benefit of curious farmers and gentle readers scattered throughout the country. In many ways the whole thing felt like a dream.
Attending Taylor Swift's wedding in New York, was almost as exciting as spending the weekend back at Puck. And now with it all over, like an old goat elevated to new heights, my only problem is in getting back down to earth.
