Ask Audrey: What measures are you taking for home-schooling? Three tonic to one of gin

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy flew down to Nice yesterday to look at a new forty-footer. (That’s a yacht.) Unfortunately The Hogster got arrested for trying to buy 10,000 face masks off a gorgeous undercover cop, an absolute stunner, 10 out of 10. I had a bit more luck on the stunner front and ended up going home with a very open-minded woman from Cannes. Long story short, we woke up this morning to find France in lockdown, so now I’m living with her. The problem is she has no English and my only bit of French is voulez-vous couchez avec moi, which I can’t use any more because to honest, I’m wrecked. Could you recommend an app to learn some French?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road, any chance you’d tell my wife Marjorie that the NCT is due on the Jag?

None. My next door neighbour is fluent in French, I shouted over the fence at her from a distance of two metres or more and told her your story. She said, that sounds tough, I shared a house in college with this girl with only a couple words of English. I said, where was she from. She said, Thurles.

How’re oo’ goin on. Herself is up the walls with anxiety about running out of jacks roll because she stayed in a B&B in Killorglin once, and all they had was old copies of The Kerryman. Our supermarket has a dedicated shopping time for senior citizens, at 9am. So, wasn’t I sent off down with a big list. Things were going very well until I got to the wine aisle and this fella says, you do realise we can’t sell alcohol until 10:30? To which I replied, you do realise we can’t watch Maura and Daithi unless we’re completely off our heads on cheap Merlot? So like, can you get on to Simon Coveney or someone and tell them there is no point allowing OAPs into a supermarket if we can’t buy booze?

— Dan Paddy Andy, outside Dunmanway.

I had similar issue myself! I was in our local supermarket (not one of the Germans, I’m better than that) at 9:30 am yesterday and the girl said I’d have to wait to buy booze. I said, fine, I’ll wait. She said, what are you going to do for the next hour. I said, imagine My Conor at home minding the kids.

It’s red hot on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who are Better at Home Schooling Than You. Orla_WhiteRangeRover changed her online name to Orla_JustATeacherNow and shared a video of her four year old twins learning beginners Japanese. FiFi_MojitosBitches countered with a clip of her teaching Applied Maths to 18-month-old Hugo, which deserved to win Best Comedy in A Foreign Language because she barely got the points for Arts. I’m trying to come up with a killer response but my kids are as thick as the man from Carrigaline. (They take after their father.) What would be a good thing to video with my two?

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My friend Tina is a teacher, we don’t bother inviting her on expensive girls-away weekends in case she gets embarrassed. I rang her there and said what measures are you taking during online classes with your students? She said three measures of tonic to one of gin, the time just flies by really.

Now listen up Paddy. I am the patron of The Royal Society of Wealthy English People Who Like Taking Advice from Foreigners. We continue to hold meetings because it doesn’t breach the ban on gatherings of over 500 people. (We’re still good if it lowers it to 100.) We watched the speech by your man Leo on Patrick’s Day and have decided that now seems like a very good time to move to Ireland. Could you send a boat to evacuate us, Dunkirk style?

— LordEdmund D’Servant-Shagger, London and large chunks of Wales, unfortunately.

I asked my Posh Cousin. She said, not a chance we could take English people now, we’re still avoiding those back from Cheltenham in case we catch the you know what? I said, coronavirus? She said, no, stupidity.

I’m writing to you on behalf of Sunday’s Well Swingers, our slogan is ‘Where neighbours become more than good friends’. We used to be a bridge club until someone brought three bottles of Jagermeister to our Christmas party last year and things got out of hand. (Or in hand, says you.) The coronavirus lockdown is terrifying for many of us, because the thought of spending two months alone with our spouses is a nightmare, particularly since most of us married for money. So, we’re thinking of running a draw, randomly matching up couples who will then live with each other until the lockdown is over. Would you MC this draw, online obviously, there’d be a handy little fee for you at the end of it?

— Peig, Sunday’s Well, we love the way you pretend to hate rich people.

I love the way you believe I’m pretending. This lockdown is going to make things difficult for a lot of couples. I told my Conor we needed to start social distancing. He said, there’s no way I can give you sexual pleasure from two metres away. I said, that’s not what you claim on your Tinder profile. #Boastful