Terrace Talk: Man Utd - Sleepwalking our way through frustrating season

Once again, Edward Woodward wasn’t at Old Trafford to watch United on Saturday and, to be fair, you couldn’t blame him. Who would watch this tedious team out of choice, after all?

Most of the crowd have already paid for season tickets upfront, so they’re basically stuck with it; meanwhile Anthony Martial is a good example of a player who also seems to wish he were elsewhere.

In his case, we’d all like to help him on his way too. If the new Brexit Britain that has just dawned now allows us to immediately expel grumpy indolent Frenchmen, then the referendum and all the trauma that went with it will have been worth it.

New boy Bruno Fernandes, whose initial targeting this column asserted almost a month ago, did produce a performance that was as encouraging as Martial’s was disgraceful. But with nothing happening in the final third, 0-0 seemed inevitable from about the hour mark onwards.

Admittedly, there was the completely unexpected last-gasp excitement of AWB not only getting upfield but producing a brilliant cross.

Unfortunately, his teammates seemed even more surprised than we were, and what should’ve been a matchwinning assist failed to produce what would have been an undeserved winner.

I read somewhere that United have now won only four out of the 18 matches in which we have had more possession, a statistic that rather neatly sums up what an ineffective one-trick pony this side has become. Once again, complaints resounded about the sheer cluelessness of it all; “it’s just pass the ball to the nearest player and hope he does something with it instead. It’s make-it-up-as-you-go-along shite with no pattern of play or ideas at all,” grumbled one typical colleague.

Therein lies the core dissatisfaction of many fans: United do not look like a coached team. During games, the bench is a picture of atrophy. Phelan and Ole are simply never seen to converse together, prompting rumours of an ongoing freeze. Carrick, McKenna, and company just look like condemned men, awaiting the merciful release of the axeman’s swing.

The players are thus left to get on with it, armed only with the dwindling remains of their self-belief; no surprise, then, that they collectively produce so much less than the sum of their parts.

Ole argued afterward that “energy levels are down and they need the [imminent] break,” although for the life of me I can’t see how that could apply to Martial, given he never moves. But we can at least all agree this two-week hiatus is well-timed for the manager and his fragile players.

“Make-it-up-as-you-go-along shite with no ideas at all” could also serve as a description of Woodward’s transfer policy, widely mocked this week as he performed the equivalent of buying a kid’s birthday presents last minute, at an all-night garage. But at least he got him something, right?

Ole now has his two new toys in Bruno and Odion, and has a fortnight to think about how best to integrate them into the rest of the playroom. He does at least seem excited about the tactical and formational options Fernandes’ acquisition opens up; the question is are United’s coaches up to the implementation thereof?

Off the field, there has at least been some shenanigans outside Ed Woodward’s house last week. I did suggest last Monday that we might be seeing some midweek protests, and I also predicted that the mooted subsequent stadium walkout would never materialise. Yes, even when faced such tedium as Saturday night’s, United fans couldn’t be convinced to up sticks. Although to be fair, many would have been asleep.

Protest target Ed Woodward will be staying busy this fortnight anyway, as Manchester United’s financial results and the associated PR hoopla are due.

Rumours are rife that several club sponsors and partners are unhappy, with one reported to me as angrily complaining about “the ongoing association with shite”. Now there’s an expression full of the kind of flair that Woodward really should fear.