They don’t know what they’re missing

SO the ball is too round, the vuvuzelas too loud, the altitude too high, the cold too biting and the rain too wet.

All the excuses, plausible and otherwise, have been advanced to explain why World Cup 2010 was slow to ignite but those of us left behind in sun-splashed Ireland know better. The real reason – and this will be a bit of a blow to the atheists – is that there is indeed a God and, what’s more, he is (a) wrathful (b) more powerful than Sepp Blatter (c) as moody as Maradona and (d) firmly on the side of the Gael, just like Dev always said he was.

In short, the Supreme Blazer is clearly punishing the world by reminding them of what they’re missing as a result of Ireland’s unjust absence from the greatest show on earth. Woe to ye, he seems to be saying, for abandoning the Harlem Globetrotters of international football.

Not for ye, a Paul McShane rocket from 25 yards into the top corner, a slaloming solo run the length of the field from Richard Dunne, the exquisite geometric passing patterns of midfield maestros Andrews and Whelan or a tournament goal tally to eclipse even Just Fontaine’s from Robbie Keane.

Nor, he adds, shall ye get to relish a post-match press conference from Giovanni Trapattoni in which he slams Italy for being too conservative and says that winning is not the be-all and end-all: what matters most is that you play with style, panache, adventure, romance and va va voom. “If you want theatre come to the Gaiety,” he smiles, after Ireland have been narrowly beaten 7-6 in the semi-final by Brazil.

Aye, it would have been an altogether different spectacle in South Africa had our boys taken their rightful place among the nations of the earth.

At least Sepp will know better the next time we ask for special dispensation. As it is, we have to be content with the small consolation of seeing the hombres in green doing God’s work by smiting the Gaul, although the colour of the shirt was by no means the most strikingly ironic aspect of Thursday’s win for Mexico against hapless France.

Considering that Ireland’s World Cup dream was undone, not so much by Thierry Henry as by the officials’ inexplicable failure to spot his basketball dribble, there was a real sense of a balancing of the scales in the way that the French were victims of superlative officiating on Thursday night.

To most observers, Javier Hernandez looked a mile offside when he raced on to Rafael Marquez’ through ball – indeed, bizarrely, on RTÉ Eamon Dunphy was still clinging to the wrong end of that stick even after the video freeze-frame conclusively proved otherwise – but the linesman got his split-second decision bang-on and kept his flag under wraps as Hernandez rounded Lloris to set Mexico on their way to a thoroughly deserved victory.

The downside to France getting their come-uppance is that it dented still further South Africa’s faint hopes of qualifying for the next round. The odds on Bafana Bafana springing a surprise against the French would have shortened appreciably on the back of the latter’s dismal display on Thursday but, unless they feel that avoiding Argentina in the next round is worth taking a risk, Mexico and Uruguay can simply agree to ease each other over the line next Tuesday, thereby rendering meaningless the result of South Africa v France on the same night.

Once again, we must mourn Ireland’s absence. After all, such cynical detente is not the kind of thing we’d ever practice at a World Cup. Isn’t that right, Mick? Isn’t that right, Ruud?

Hopefully, the stakes will be rather higher in the remaining group games. Already, in just the last 48 hours, we’ve seen a perceptible quickening of the general pace as the initial fear of losing has given way to the more urgent need for a win.

And if, notwithstanding yesterday’s terrific Slovenia-USA draw, this World Cup has yet to give us much in the way of the thrills, spills, stirring comebacks and 90th minute dramatics of Euro 2008 – and, hey that was just Turkey – it certainly hasn’t shirked in terms of unpredictability, from Switzerland’s shock victory over Spain to Serbia’s win against Germany, even if the latter was helped considerably by the worst refereeing performance of the tournament so far.

And then there’s Argentina, the team the world loves to watch. That controversial ball may bounce too high and skip too quickly off the turf but the likes of Messi, Tevez and Higuain have clearly mastered it better than most.

Which is another way of saying that if you’re good enough, the ball can’t be too round enough. A bit like the players and their manager, as it happens.

Yet, even Argentina don’t look invincible, mainly because they are as likely to self-destruct at the back as in the dug-out.

Wonderful as they are going forward, one can’t help fearing that they could yet go the way of the Brazil team of 1982.

Of course, if and when that happens, Ireland are still standing by, ready to save the World Cup.