First-hand dilemma of second-hand smokers

A ROSE by any other name would smell as sweet, but what are second-hand smoke freaks to do when Health Minister Micheál Martin’s smoking ban deprives them of their nightly fix of stale nicotine?

According to the Vintners’ Federation, that’s their only connection with the real world, and will lead to a break-up of civilisation here in Ireland. Crowds of second-handers will now start descending on Amsterdam’s pot shops just to get a whiff of Disque Bleu or Camel filter, instead of the old Woodbines or Rothmans which sustained them in their youth.

Scientists will add a second-hand smoke enzyme to washing powder, so future generations of men will start doing loads of washing day and night just for the thrill of smelling how it used to be in the good old days.