Alan Kelly believes he can fly to the planet he inhabits

The joy of the scientists who discovered a giant planet beyond Neptune soon turned to disappointment as they realised it was only 10 times the size of Earth — meaning Alan Kelly’s ego was still the biggest thing in the solar system this side of the sun writes Shaun Connolly.

Our thrusting Environment Minister’s many critics (who happen to mainly inhabit his own party) hoping some kind of scandal, revelation, or crisis will bring him down will be equally disappointed because none of those things could lay our hero low — his own mouth and mammoth self-opinion will take care of that.

R Kelly clearly lacked ambition by merely singing “I Believe I Can Fly”, because Our Kelly believes he can fly, walk on the moon, and have breakfast on Pluto, with still enough time to slip back down to Earth and slide you a nice little hundred quid in the form of a “conservation grant” if you’d just stop whining on at his “legacy” achievement that is Irish Water and recognise his genius as the minister who took the whine out of water.