Gate opens to a match made in heaven

THE gates to my house are in sorry disrepair.

When visitors come, they complain about how they routinely injure themselves trying to lift the broken rusty things from their wonky hinges and clang them shut again. It’s a two-armed operation, extra difficult if carrying shopping or small children. Nobody ever enters or exits my property in a hurry. I keep being told to go to B&Q and get some new ones.

The lodger has even offered to install them for free. All I have to do is go to the gate shop and choose some. Think of how nice they will look, he says wistfully, nursing a bruised thumb from his last attempt at opening them.