Ask Audrey: 'Is there a tasteful way to show off your wealth in a global pandemic?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: 'Is there a tasteful way to show off your wealth in a global pandemic?'

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Hello old stock. I was woken up last night by loud love-making noises coming from my neighbour’s house.

Straight on to the Guards, I said listen could you ever send a squad car down to the Blackrock Road there and tell Hoggy to keep it down. 

The Guard said, do you mind if I ask if you’re in a semi-d or terraced house. I said, I absolutely do mind, because I live in a €4.8 million mansion on the Blackrock Road and the only reason I can hear my neighbour is because Hoggy got a new girlfriend — French — and he wired the sound system they use in the Marquee up to his bedroom so I can hear him having the old rumpy pumpy. 

Maybe i f you spent less time responding to dance challenges from Swiss police and more time protecting millionaires like myself, this ignorance wouldn’t arise. 

Well, didn’t he charge me with insulting a member of the force, there and then . Do you have a solicitor I could use?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road

At breakfast this morning My Conor said, I couldn’t believe the groaning sounds from next door last night. I said, sorry, we’ll try and keep it down the next time. # LoveMy Neighbour

It’s very unsure on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Love to Ram their Wealth Down Your Throat on Instagram. 

It’s no joke trying to live your best life when the most glamorous place within 5k is Tramore Valley Park, AKA The Dump

Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said there are only so many times you can show a video of your 45 grand Italian kitchen while pretending to clean it yourself, like, as if. 

Kiera_WithaK said she went to Dubai last weekend and actually spent most of the time crying because if she posted a photo of herself draped on a yacht, you can be sure some nurse would be on to Neil Prendeville calling her a granny killer. 

So like, is there a tasteful way to show off your wealth while 100s of people are still dying from a global pandemic? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

My friend Cliona is an influencer, she insists we call her DM4Collab. I said, what’s the best way to show off your wealth these days. She said, I do unboxing videos of expensive clothes for my kids in my pyjamas. #Weak4Them #MothersLove #NoMakeUp #StateofMe. I said, ah, they’re so innocent and naive. She said, stop mocking my followers! #Hilaire.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

I’m half thinking now maybe I should have stayed living with that pervert Guard up in Bishopstown who had me minding his kids, because anything would beat living back here at home with my mother. 

It’s bad enough that she makes me sit through entire episodes of Can’t Pay, We’ll Tow it Away, but doesn’t she insist on adding in her commentary as if she knew the people involved, and them in over their heads with a new camper-van they bought on the never-never. 

My friend Gertrude said I need to spend my days on wallstreetbets on Reddit, it’s full of angry celibate lads who’ll tell you how to make a fortune on the stock exchange. Do you think I’d be thick as the man from Knocknaboul to even think about it? 

— Rosealeen, back in Ballydesmond.

M y neighbour made 300 grand on GameStop stocks last week. I said, what are you focusing on this week. He said, money laundering. #TaxIs4Losers.

C’mere, how do people in Ballincollig know that I’m a Norry? 

Everyone do know that Glen River Park is basically the Hanging Gardens of Babylon with knobs on, but still, you’d be bored of bringing your dog there 40 days in a row. 

So, myself and the old doll took the dog, Roy, out to the park in Ballincollig yesterday, even though it’s outside our 5km. The way I look at it, if Micheál Martin can fly to Washington with a bowl of shamrock, surely I can drive out to Ballincollig. 

Anyway, we were strolling around the park, and all these curtain twitchers were like, ‘sorry, are you sure you’re inside your 5k, there?’ and I was like flabbergasted that they busted me, because I wasn’t even in my Liverpool tracksuit. So like, is there something else giving away the fact that I’m a proud Norry?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

They’re probably using the Norry Detector 3.0. It has a much better detection rate than version 2.0, because it can tell if you asked for a free scoop of chips with your burger in the last 24 hours.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment where we drank a bottle of port each, knelt down in front of a statue of Ursula von der Leyen and thanked her for making us look competent. 

Anyway, The OmniShagger, aka Boris, has proposed that now looks like a perfect time to hand back Northern Ireland to you filthy Micks. When would be a good time for the handover? (Say nothing to Arlene.) 

— Lord Edmund d’Servant-Shagger, London.

I got a message through to the Taoiseach’s office there and said, when would you like the north back? The person said, when is he handing back power to Leo again. I said, December 1 st 2022. The person, ok then, the day after that. #PassTheParcel.

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