'A strange, unmapped territory': We're the 'Nearly Empty Nest' parents

The kids are older, but still living under your roof... Yvonne Reddin defines herself as a 'Nearly Empty Nest' parent, and talks to other mums and dads whose children need them less, but are still very much part of their lives

Trish Taylor Thompson (left) and Valerie O’Hanlon, mothers of young adult children. Trish calls the empty nest "a strange and largely unmapped territory" and Valerie admits: "It’s bittersweet realising you’re not needed in quite the same way"

For years, I dreamed of the time when I could go out in the evenings for a walk or go grocery shopping alone, without rushing back for school collections. I would hear my friends going out socialising, away for weekends, or even just away for a night, kid-free.

My life has revolved around school runs, play dates, homework, meals and making sure everyone was okay. Then, almost without noticing it, something changed, particularly when my twins turned 11. I also have my 24-year-old son, who has already reached that stage of having his own life and independence, giving me a glimpse of what is ahead for my twins.

Michael O'Brien, an adolescent psychotherapist, says: “Parents entering the teenage phase can find themselves physically freer, but still mentally and emotionally tethered"

My twins are nearly 13 now. They have their own friends, their own interests, and a better social life than I have. They don’t need me to organise every minute of their lives anymore. I can now make plans without checking the school calendar; I can go for a cuppa without rushing back for school collections, or simply have a few hours to myself.

And yet, I’m not an empty nester yet. Not even close. But I’m almost there.

I am in that strange limbo space I call the ‘nearly’ empty nest – where the children are becoming more independent but still need you, just in different ways. There are small windows of freedom.

I feel relieved that I made it on my own, but sometimes there is also a strange sense of loss. And for the first time in years, there is space to ask myself a question I haven’t had much time to consider: what do I actually want to do with my life now?

While our teenagers are beginning to find themselves, perhaps we are allowed to start finding ourselves again too.

Michael O’Brien, an adolescent psychotherapist from Caring Space Counselling based in Midleton, Co Cork, explains: “Parents entering the teenage phase can find themselves physically freer, but still mentally and emotionally tethered.

As children move into adolescence, they need a new way of communicating, particularly when they are struggling with distress and lack the capacity to recognise what they are trying to communicate.

“Teenagers are discovering who they are, often feeling anxious and insecure as puberty changes their sense of identity. They can also be easily influenced by friends and online influencers, making it important for parents to establish boundaries while helping them engage with life beyond their screens.

“During these formative years, teenagers need emotional scaffolding rather than physical maintenance,” adds O’Brien. “Through regular check-ins, gentle probing and deep listening, parents can offer a safe space where their child can talk about their experiences and emotions.

“This process of co-regulation helps build trust and gives them a sense of safety as they explore their new identity. Parents won’t always get it right, but showing up with love, empathy and genuine interest matters.

“Looking after your own physical and mental health is equally important, as is creating time for yourself. Ultimately, we need to remember that behind the challenging behaviour is a young person trying to discover who they are.”

Orla Kelly, a mother of two adult children and publisher, based in Rochestown, Cork, says:

Having an 18-year-old daughter and 21-year-old son, people assume I have my life back, but if anything, I’m more needed now, just in a different way.

“Yes, my husband and I can go away for a weekend, but it’s never a clean break. They’re still growing up, and I’d rather they do that in the safe space of home.

Orla Kelly, a Cork mother of two adult children, says: “People assume I have my life back, but if anything, I’m more needed now, just in a different way"

“I notice the little things too - a change in mood or body language behind the ‘I’m fine’. Even when we’re away, part of me is still listening for the phone.

“My son drives now, so there’s always that underlying worry that something could go wrong.”

Parents may also have adult children departing the nest, or in fact returning to the nest. Valerie O’Hanlon, from Limerick, and Trish Taylor Thompson, from Tipperary, are friends and mothers, and together they host a podcast called Life’s What You Make It.

Valerie shares her own experience: “This summer has felt like a bit of a milestone for me and my husband. My three children are 24, 22 and 19, and for the first time we’ve had just our youngest at home. It’s bitter-sweet realising you’re not needed in quite the same way, but I’ve always encouraged them to be independent. I’m beginning to see that empty nesting isn’t really about an empty nest, but making space for a different stage of life.

“There’s a new freedom too,” adds Valerie. “We can go away without worrying about getting home for dinner, and with our youngest driving, there’s less running around. It gives us more time to travel, reconnect with friends, volunteer or simply enjoy being a couple again.

Of course, I miss them, but I love seeing them out there living their own lives. As parents, I believe our job is to become less needed.

Trish says: “The empty nest is a strange and largely unmapped territory. When my 21-year-old son first left home, I felt raw and completely unfamiliar with letting go – the quietness, the empty bedroom, and knowing his life was moving on without me.

“Then covid changed everything and he came home, eventually spending five years with us while completing his apprenticeship. Now, as he prepares to leave again, fully qualified and ready to buy a house, it feels both familiar and new.

“I’ve loved those extra years of breakfasts, conversations, laughter, and simply knowing he was upstairs,” adds Trish. “Letting go this time carries the weight of those unexpected years together, and reminds me that perhaps the empty nest isn’t a destination, but something we keep learning to navigate.”

Bethan O’Riordan is a Cork-based psychotherapist and parenting specialist who supports parents and families with practical advice, consultations and resources, including guidance on navigating the teenage years and raising teens with greater calm and confidence.

“It certainly is a time of change for parents when their children start to curate their own lives,” says O’Riordan. “So many parents find this separation terrifying and sad, but perhaps also quite thrilling.

Becoming a parent means a whole identity change and putting children first, so when those little snippets of free time begin to appear, it can leave parents wondering what comes next. The end of one stage creates space for another, but figuring out who you are now can feel lonely, worrying, exciting and overwhelming.

“And maybe you don’t have to do too much,” adds O’Riordan. “It can be okay to let the dust settle rather than rushing to fill the space. At the same time, these are precious and precarious years for your teenager, who still needs you, perhaps more than ever. Being available and keeping a steady home can help them navigate this stage. But those years are easier when parents are feeling good too.”

Bethan O’Riordan, a Cork-based psychotherapist and parenting specialist, says many parents find the separation from their growing children "terrifying and sad, but perhaps also quite thrilling"

Her advice to parents in this situation is to “be playful and explore what you need with this newfound time – connection, alone time, a hobby, rest, sleep, or even therapy to help you grieve the loss you’re experiencing”.

Perhaps this ‘limbo’ stage isn’t something we need to rush through. Our children may need us less physically, but still need us emotionally.

Maybe it’s a chance to build a different relationship with our teenage and adult children - one based less on doing everything for them, and more on listening, supporting, and simply being there.

And while they are finding their independence, perhaps we can start finding a little more of ours too. The nearly empty nest can be bittersweet, but it can also be the beginning of something new for them and for us.