Joanna Fortune: Could my grandchild be jealous of the attention I give to her older sister? 

Joanna Fortune: When the middle child lashes out at her sister, perhaps she is lashing out at what she feels is unfair. Picture: iStock

I’m particularly close to my oldest grandchild, who is eight. She often rings me to tell me her latest news, which is very sweet. I look after her and her two younger sisters once a week. I’ve noticed that the middle child has started to act up when I’m there, often pulling toys out of her older sister’s hands. Last week, she broke her favourite bracelet. I mentioned it to her mum, but she brushed it off. I’m beginning to wonder whether the middle girl could be jealous.

She may indeed be jealous of what is clearly a particularly close relationship between you and her older sister. I do not doubt that you love all of your grandchildren and how lucky they are that you are providing care for them each week, but what you are describing as a special, close bond with one could easily be perceived as preferential treatment by an onlooking grandchild.

Young children don’t have the emotional language to express their frustration, confusion and indeed, jealousy, other than through their behaviour. So when the middle child lashes out at her sister, perhaps she is lashing out at what she feels is unfair.

Perceived favouritism often evokes strong behavioural reactions in children. Sibling jealousy is a typical emotional response for children and tends to stem from competition as they vie for the attention of parents and caregivers. At this young age, children are not always emotionally secure enough to understand that these caring adults have the capacity to love and care for them and their siblings.

Perhaps you could show your younger granddaughter this capacity in practical actions, such as occasionally asking to talk with her on the phone first, showing interest in her news and ensuring she gets to tell her news first.

It is important that each child gets some one-to-one time with their important caregivers and that we focus on each of their individual strengths and praise them in ways that are personal to their individual strengths.

Ensure that you also spend time with them together, perhaps in a structured way. For example, you could help them bake buns and give each child some basic decorations to top them with their own design, giving you the opportunity to praise their unique creativity.

While I am seeking to explain your granddaughter’s behaviour, I am not excusing it. She cannot hit or hurt her siblings. She is allowed to feel her feelings, but she cannot hit (this way you are separating her feelings from her actions). Also, you are correct in bringing this to her parents’ attention so that they can address it. But beyond this, ensure that you are encouraging and naming good, positive collaborative play between them. Take care to give plenty of hugs and positive affirmations to each grandchild and always avoid comparing them, even if you think they cannot hear you.

Feeling closer to one grandchild is a normal human experience. It happens more often than people care to admit, but acting on any such preference can deeply hurt another child watching it unfold. In such a situation, small changes can make big differences, and simple steps, as mentioned above, are a practical way to ensure she is reassured in your love and affection for her. Focus on the middle grandchild’s special traits and on being fair.

• Please send your question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune to [e-mail] or use the form below