Dear Dáithí: We finally had our freedom and now our son wants to move home 

I was taken aback when my son and his girlfriend asked if they could move in with us while they save a deposit

'I believe in helping everyone if we can, and you can in this situation,' says Dáithí. 

Dear Dáithí, 

I'm a parent of three adult children, all of whom have moved out of home. The youngest was the last to leave the nest and did so about two years ago.

It was a time of a lot of adjustment for my partner and I, and I really didn't realise how much my life revolved around my children and their schedules — simple things like not putting on the washing until my son was back from training, or cooking a meal I knew would be easy to heat up if he was working late.

In time, we did adjust though, and I have to say, it was lovely to enter what felt like a new stage of our relationship. Meals weren't tied to who was in or working, and we've found ourselves entertaining friends more at home. Of course, I miss my children, but we found a new purpose and a new routine.

My eldest and his girlfriend live in Dublin and have decided they would like to buy a house. Last weekend, they asked if they could come for dinner as they wanted to talk to us about something. 

We were expecting maybe they were getting engaged or starting a family. I was taken aback when they asked if they could move in with us while they save a deposit. 

Now, I totally appreciate how hard it is to get the money together for a house, and we have said we will help them in any way we can. It's just that I really don't want that help to be allowing them to move in. 

We've gotten so settled into our new way of life I just don't know how I'll adapt to having one of my children at home again, not to mention his girlfriend. She's very pleasant, but we don't know her very well.

We brushed it off on the day as other families were calling, but I told my son I'd give him a call about it.

What do I do?

I’ve spoken to many people who, after years of the house being like a train station, find themselves with the place finally to themselves. I’ve heard both sides of this — the good and the bad. 

I know people who found it very hard to adjust, and it didn't suit them, and others who couldn't wait to push the last one out the gap. I think if you plan this properly, it can be a great thing and when you don’t prepare it, it can be unsettling. 

I think it’s only when you look back, when you have time, that you realise how much time we spend on minding our children and that our lives exist only around what they are doing, as you mentioned, between training, cooking, and being nothing more than a glorified taxi all week long, there isn't much time for us. We are stuck to their routine. 

It’s great for you now that you have found a new purpose in life and you’re doing it at your own pace! You seem to have done it properly — it did take some time to get used to everyone being gone, but you and your partner are in a good place and have a lovely balance in your lives. 

I think what you have found is ‘freedom’, not in the sense you are or were trying to get away from anything, but a freedom that is just part of the world we live in at this point, and you have grabbed it with both hands. 

It’s so nice to have friends over for tea and dinner. When the house is full, you don’t get a chance to do this, and to be honest, who wants to go into someone's home that is full and busy? You wouldn't even be able to have a proper chat, but now you can, and I feel from your letter that you really enjoy this.

All that said, you now have a problem — well, it’s not really a problem, more like a bump in the road. I think it’s great your son is going to buy a house with his girlfriend. This is an exciting time for them, and they need your help. 

I think you know what you have to do here. It’s not an option not to help them. This is one of the biggest moves of their lives, and you should be a positive part of it. 

I know you have a new routine, and things are very different for you and your partner living your best life now, but you will have this back again. You adjusted the first time, and you will again, but most importantly, you’ll have helped your son, and he and his girlfriend will never forget that.

Just for your own mind, though, after you agree to help them, you are going to chat with your partner to make sure he is okay with all of this. I would say you are going to agree to this with a few rules attached. 

The first thing you do is put a time limit on it — one year, for example. This is very important, as it gives them a target to aim for and you a countdown clock and a target of your own. 

You also tell your son you have people over every so often and you might need the place to yourself every now and then, but you will give them plenty of notice. 

It's really up to you what you want to do around paying the household bills — you could take a few bob off them, you might even give it back to them at the end as a surprise. This is your call. The rest of the rules will have to come from you, but be sensible about them and remember they are adults.

Now there might be people reading this who would say 'no way' to this, but I think if you did that, your son might hold it against you for a while. 

Now, he’d have no real reason — that’s just life if you didn't want to do this, but I believe in helping everyone if we can, and you can in this situation. 

Another thing you must keep in mind is that this could happen again in a few years with the other two. You will probably be hoping the others will be in a different position and won’t be like their boomerang brother. Let us jump one ditch at a time!

So, there you have it, yes, you should help your son, and we all know why. It’s important to remember, as I said, you have adjusted before, and you will do it again, and with a good set of rules that includes a time limit, I think you’ll be fine.