Dear Dáithí: My parents are treating my house like a second home

My parents have got into a bit of routine of coming to stay at weekends, and while I enjoy their company, I really want some space of my own

Crowded house: How do I tell my parents to give me space without insulting them or making them think I don't appreciate all that they've done for me? Picture :iStock

Dear Dáithí, 

My parents have started treating my house like a second home, and I don’t know how to tell them they need to give me some space.

To give a bit of context, I finally bought my first home 18 months ago. When I first started working after college, I lived in a house share with a few friends. About three years ago, we all moved out — we were all at different life stages, and some of us, myself included, moved home to try and save for a deposit.

I’m lucky to have a fairly well-paid job and put my head down and saved a very solid deposit over the course of a year. My parents didn’t take any money from me at this time as they said they understood it’s hard to get on the property ladder. I was really grateful for this. 

An ideal home came up in a scenic location, and as I largely work remotely, I decided to try to buy it. All went to plan, and I got the keys in 2024 and moved in. It is about an hour from my parents’ home.

There was a bit of work to be done on the house, and my dad kindly offered to help me with that. Long days turned into late evenings, and sometimes, my parents would stay here after a day of painting or DIY. I was really appreciative, and we had some craic doing it.

The house is well finished now, and I’m well settled. My parents have got into a bit of routine though of coming to stay at weekends, and while I enjoy their company, I really want some space of my own.

They’ve been so good to me, and I don’t want to come across as ungrateful, but I’d like to start having the house more to myself and to be able to plan my weekends without wondering if they are going to arrive here on a Friday evening for the weekend. 

I think part of the draw is the scenic location. How do I tell my parents to give me space without insulting them or making them think I don’t appreciate all they’ve done for me?

First of all, well done — getting the keys to your own home is like getting the Leaving Cert results and doing well in them. It’s such a great feeling. I remember them both like it was yesterday.

To add to the congratulations, you’re young and we unfortunately don’t hear many stories like this. Hopefully this might change too, in time. I like the way you were thinking too about the location of your home — you can work from home so why not find a beautiful place to live where there are no traffic jams or high buildings around you?

The only downside to having a house in a great location, and I know this coming from West Kerry, is that people will want to come and visit, which brings us onto your ‘problem’. Even having the greatest of parents in this world, you still need a break from them and a bit of space.

Your parents need to be applauded, firstly for raising someone like you, with your head screwed on well, and then doing everything else for you. It is par for the course these days for a child to stay at home when saving for a deposit, but the parents still need and deserve a big pat on the back for doing it. 

To add to all of this, your home needed some DIY, and your parents were there for you again. Now, it’s important to remember your parents are only too happy to be doing this and to have done what they have done.

As a parent, there is nothing better than seeing your son or daughter doing well; nothing would make me happier, in fact.

So, with all this in the air, I think it’s adding to you feeling guilty about wanting the place to yourself for a while. All you have to do is tell them how you feel because the only thing you haven’t done is tell them this. 

Up until now, you have had a problem, you called them, and they came to help you. That has been the pattern for the last while. So, when they come over, you have a big happy face on you because you are glad to see them. They don’t actually know you’d like a bit of space.

They also come from a generation where everyone was always in on top of each other — and people took no notice of that. The thing about your parents also is they were once like you and probably remember getting the keys to their house, and there was a time when they wanted their own space too.

If you haven’t done it already, and I’m pretty sure you have, make sure you thank your parents for all they have done, and most importantly, let them know that they are always welcome in your home.

There are a few ways around this dilemma — you can take a soft approach to this and tell your parents during the week that you’re having friends over, which would be a clear indicator not to come over.

You could speak to one of them, and only you’ll know which one will work the best, and come out and say that you’d love to have a bit of space in the house. What you really need to do is avoid them asking for ‘permission’ to come over. I don’t like that. Parents shouldn’t have to do this, but parents also need to read the room.

Again, only you will know if they have that skill, or maybe that’s why you are writing to me! If that is the case, you might have to say at the very end: “Look, I love you both, and I’m so thankful, but I just need my own space for a while and need to enjoy my new home.”

Because they are in a bit of a routine now of coming over, I think that by sending a message midweek to let them know you are having friends over might be the way to go, and might get them into the thinking and into another routine that they should message you first to see what you’re up to.

This might be a good way to break the current routine, especially when you’ll be having a partner over and when you need some private time alone. In that instance, the last thing you’ll want is for a parent to kill the mood and the romance.

This is a very positive situation, and most importantly, you have great people in your life who love you and want the best for you, but it’s very important that you enjoy your own home.

You work hard enough for it.