Dear Dáithí: My friend keeps bragging about her kids — and how her parenting has been key

Whether we stay in or go out to catch up, the conversation always leads back to my friend talking up her children. 

Dear Dáithí, 

I know what I’m going to say is going to make me sound like an awful person... but I am cracking up, and need to get an outside view on this.

One of my closest friends is what many people might describe as ‘the perfect mum’. She cooks everything from scratch, has an immaculate house, finds time to craft with her children, all while holding down a great job. Her two children are just lovely — dream children, really. They don’t watch much TV or look for screentime, they are always reading and baking, and helping with the housework. They have great manners and, to be fair, are a joy to be around.

But oh my, their mother knows that and cannot stop bragging about them. Whether we stay in or go out to catch up, the conversation always leads back to my friend talking up her children and how she thinks her parenting has been key to raising them to be such wonderful human beings. They are wonderful, and she is wonderful, but I just don’t think we need to constantly talk about it.

I have two children myself and, if asked, I would say they are really great kids...mind you, we do have our screentime battles. While I think they are fab, I just don’t feel the need to brag about them all the time.

Is there something wrong with me to not be bragging about my kids all the time, or am I right to be done listening to my friend go on about her children? I feel awful even writing this.

FIRST of all, I don’t think you are awful at all. In fact, I’m the exact same as you, and feel for you when you are stuck in a conversation like this. I don’t use the ‘stuck’ lightly either, because that’s exactly what you are when you’re in a conversation with this person. 

They suck the life out of all afternoon teas or whatever you would be doing. So, no, I don’t think you are an awful person!

The word perfect is gas. As they say, define perfect and then define it in the context of parenting; it’s impossible. It’s like when people talk about the perfect Christmas dinner and have this idyllic image in their head of what it’s going to be like, and when you compare that to what really happens on the day, the word ‘perfect’ is soon forgotten.

People who want to be seen as perfect parents can be like some people who go to the gym and work out all the time.

How do you know they do this? Because they tell you! This sounds like the case here. Even though she paints a really good picture, it might not be all that she says it is. I’m not trying to knock this person; if this is the life she has, well done to her, but there might be an embellishment here and there just to make her feel good about life, and even if all is true, it’s still all about her feeling good about it. 

The thing is, I don’t think this is directed at anyone other than herself. I don’t think it’s a put-down to those around her, it is a real ‘look at me’ type situation and the fact that she has an audience means she will continue with this because an audience gives this energy, just like air to a fire — until it blows up in her face!

Now she must be doing something right, as her children are really nice, unless they get all of that from their father, and this could be the case too, but we will give her the credit too. It might be that the niceness of her kids may have gone to her head. Now, she is allowed to be proud of them and boast, but from what you’ve said, she has gone too far and to the stage where you are pissed off with it.

The trick here is to find the line where she feels like she has gotten her point across and it doesn’t drive you mad.

Now, what do you do? I think if nothing changes, you might pull back from this group, and we don’t want that, as she is one of your closest friends. Ask another in the group if they feel the same. I’d imagine you’ll find someone else in the same boat as you and you can chat it out with this person and come up with a plan.

But really, she is one of your closest friends and you should be able to say straight out: ‘Will you ever give it a rest about the kids?’. You probably should have said this a long time ago and knocked it on the head before this, and don’t mind with that crap of ‘I’m a bad parent’ if you say it — real people won’t think like that.

The reality is that we all have very busy lives, and we all need to get away from what we are doing every day in life and have a chat with friends about other things and not be judged. That’s what friends do and what they are for!

I’ve often written about minding your own garden and not to be sticking your head over the fence to see what your neighbour is growing, and that should definitely apply here. Your own kids are great; that’s just a lovely thing to hear from a parent, and you should be very proud of that.

The only difference between you and that other person is that she wants to tell the world, and you are happy in the fact that they are great and don’t feel like you have to broadcast it.

The main point in all of this is that the kids are great!

To answer your final question, no, there is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to brag about your children in public; most of the time their actions do that for you, and that is way more powerful than having a parent shout from the rooftops about how great they are.

I’d say stick to minding your own garden, and once those crops grow tall and strong, that will tell the real parenting story here.

So, stop overthinking this!