Dear Dáithí: 'I don't want to give up my dog when I move in with my partner'

What happens if I bring my dog with me and the cats and my dog don't get on?

Dear Dáithí,

I consider myself very lucky to have met the most amazing man. He’s smart, funny, and we get on so well. 

We’ve been seeing each other for a few months and are looking to take the next step in our relationship and move in together...but there’s a problem. My family always had dogs at home- all different sizes and shapes — you could definitely say we’re dog people.

When I bought my own house, after years of renting, I was so excited to finally be able to give a home to a rescue dog — a gorgeous Labrador. Now, it’s fair to say my partner is not a dog person — it’s not that he doesn’t like dogs per se, but he’s a bit nervous around them. 

When we’re watching a film in my house or chilling out, he does prefer if my dog is in the other room. He grew up with cats at home and has two cats himself. The cats are fairly self-sufficient and independent.

While we’re both excited at the prospect of moving in together, I think the fact that we collectively have one dog and two cats — who may or may not get along — has definitely been a bit of a barrier to us taking the next step. We are looking at us both moving into my partner’s home as it would be more convenient for both of us for work.

I’m worried about what that will mean. My partner hasn’t said that my dog isn’t welcome, but I also don’t want a situation where he isn’t comfortable in his own home. 

And what happens if I bring my dog with me and the cats and my dog don’t get on? I really think that my partner and I could have a wonderful future together, but I also don’t want to give up my dog. What should we do?

This is a very exciting time for you and your boyfriend. You have met someone really special, smart, and funny, and the best thing is you both get on really well. There are a few minor issues, and really, they are not issues yet unless they aren’t sorted; we’ll get to them later.

The best thing about this is you are writing to me now at this stage of the relationship and not in six months when things might have gone wrong. Now or before you move in is the time to clear up all this.

This next step of moving in can be so exciting that you might overlook or let some things that might usually annoy you go, and I think that is a bad idea. It’s something that usually festers underneath and will always pop its head up in the strangest of times, and when you thought it wasn’t a problem.

Now things like this are never a problem until they are the problem! All this needs to be spoken about before anything else happens. You both have to set your stalls out and need to be as honest as you have ever been with each other.

You are a dog person, and this is very important to you. They have been a big part of your life in the past. Now your boyfriend is a bit nervous around your current rescue dog. Why is this? 

Did he have an incident with a dog before, maybe, and he is really frightened of dogs and has never told you about it? You need to find out because if this is going to be a real issue for him and he is afraid of them, then what do you do? 

Maybe he is just nervous about bigger dogs? Either way, you need to have the chat. If this is the case and you really think he’s the one, then you’ve a lot of thinking to do.

He might just need help getting over this issue; he might not have dealt with this before because he didn’t have to, but now he might have to face his fears, and if that’s the case, be there for him because, at the end of the day, he is doing it for you.

He is a cat person, so we do know he likes animals, and you don’t seem to mind cats, but as you say, they do take care of themselves. So, this isn’t any part of the problem once the dog and cats get along.

There should be some type of trial when it comes to this, too; you should have them together for a few weekends to make sure they get along. Now, what do you do if they start killing each other? I think that will be unusual, and we’ll stay positive for now.

You did say one thing that has stuck out to me, and that’s if he would be welcoming the dog into his home, as this is where you both are moving to.

This is one thing that needs to be very clear, and there is no my place or your place from the moment you move in, no matter who owns the property, it’s ‘yer’ place, everything is 50/50. That’s why this needs to be sorted now, and then there is nobody wondering what the story is.

You are worried about this at the moment, and you are right to be. 

This is a very big move for you, and there are a lot of emotions riding on it for you, too, but better to know now than waste two years to find out something that could have been avoided.

Now, the reality here is that you are both so excited about this. That is a great place to be in life, especially in the context of what’s happening in the world at the moment, and these moments need to be cherished.

To top all of this off, you think that you and your partner could have a wonderful life together, and off the back of that last sentence, you both might have to make some concessions if it comes to it, and that is ok too.

I think he knows that you are a big dog person, and if he feels the same, he knows he’ll have to work on it. If I’m honest, there is so much positivity in your letter, I think this will all work out because you both want the same thing, and that is each other.

A good, honest chat will sort all this out, and then you’ll both feel more at ease with this move!