Dear Dáithí: I just can't get excited about my son's partner's children at all

'I just can't get excited about my son's partner's children at all. I just don't feel ready to see them as my own grandchildren. They are welcome here when they visit, of course. And I do have small treats ready for them, but they feel like visitors who I'm polite to and not like my own'

D EAR Dáithí,

I don’t want to come across as cold or uncaring at all, but I have to get this out.

I just can’t get excited about my son’s partner’s children at all. They are lovely and polite — a little too quiet even sometimes if I remember how my own behaved when they were that age.

But I just don’t feel ready to see them as my own grandchildren. They are welcome here when they visit, of course. And I do have small treats ready for them, but they feel like visitors who I’m polite to and not like my own.

He met this girl just over a year ago, and they are now moving in together. He was delighted to introduce the children to us all and even started calling me “grandmother” when introducing us. He would say things like “go over there and see if your granny needs a hand with bringing in the cups” or “say bye now to granny”.

His partner hasn’t said much about it at all, and I’ve noticed that she doesn’t really push the grandmother’s angle as much as my own son does.

He did have a girlfriend with a child a few years ago too, and it was the same story. Then they broke up and we didn’t see that boy anymore. He’d be nine now, the same age as his new partner’s youngest, and I wonder if he’d even know me if he passed me on the street.

I do like children, and I would love lots of grandchildren that I could get to know from the moment they are born.

My daughter is getting married next year, and they might have children then, please God. I am more excited about these children who don’t exist than I am about perfectly lovely children who are brought to visit me every couple of weeks.

I never thought I would be so caught up in the importance of blood relations and all that. Do you think we will all feel more like a family by next year?

I HAVE to say there are a lot of good things very apparent in this letter.

And if you don’t mind me saying, I think you are bordering on the negative here. I don’t think this negativity is coming from a bad place — more from a place of uncertainty and having been down this road before.

I think after we investigate both of these, we will have a clearer picture and we might even have an answer to that last question about feeling more like a family this time next year.

In one sense, a lot of this is in your hands and this is a great position to be in; I think so anyway. You can only control your own actions in life — though because you’re ‘mom’, you have a big say!

Your son’s partners kids are polite and lovely... you should have stopped there. Just because they are “a little too quiet” and not like yours who weren’t. What would you prefer, that they wrecked the house and spoke badly to you? I don’t think so. They are polite and well-behaved because they have been brought up properly and their mother seems to have done a great job with this, and you should be thankful.

It’s good of you to bring out the sweets when they come over — but I think you should do more. They are only children, and they take all their leads and cues from us adults; so to make them not feel like visitors, you should include them more.

Dáithí Ó Sé: "They are only children, and they take all their leads and cues from us adults, so to make them not feel like visitors you should include them more." Picture: Domnick Walsh

If you like baking or being out in the garden, bring them out with you, and show them the fun side of you; they will love it. You’ll get to know them better and them you.

Reading between the lines of your letter, something might be stopping you doing this. Your son’s last partner had a child the same age and when they broke up, the small boy didn’t come to visit anymore. I wonder now if that made you sad at the time and you don’t want to be burnt like that again this time.

If this is the case, you need to move on because your son’s new relationship is serious, they are moving in together, and he does seem to be very excited about the whole thing.

Your son, as I mentioned, is over the moon. There are two things you can do, you can second-guess the whole thing and wonder if this is the real deal, or do what I would do and be as happy as him. 

He’s at a very exciting part of the relationship and you should be part of that — and you going the extra mile with the children will make him even happier.

Now, if for some reason this doesn’t work out, you have done your best and that’s all anyone can ask of you — and you will also enjoy your time with these kids too regardless.

We will have to sort out this ‘granny’ thing though and it’s easily done. You pull your son to the side and tell him to read the room: He is the only one who thinks it’s cool. Just say “look, I’m not at that stage yet and you’ll have to dim your lights — but I will be some day”.

You don’t want to knock the romance out of him altogether. Also say that the partner looks like she is only lukewarm on this ‘granny’ calling idea too. The poor crater seems to be blinded by love!

Great news that your daughter is getting married next year, but don’t be going straight to wishing she will have children, she might have other plans. If she does, that will be great but don’t forget or push these other children away, not for one second.

It’s many a time when the blood relations left their own people down. That said, I do get where you are coming from and when that day comes, I can only imagine the excitement and the love that will hit you... and that is to be cherished.

What's your view on this issue?

You can tell us here

But I do think there is space for everyone on this stage. It’s up to you how many you want on it. Remember that love and respect are a two-way street whether you’re related or not.

You have a great opportunity now to create a bond with your son’s partner’s children. I think you should get going with this and enjoy every minute, and don’t hold back like you have been.

To answer your question, yes, I do believe you will feel more like a family next year and you have a part to play in all of this — and all I can add to that is go and enjoy it!