Dear Dáithí: My stressed husband is overeating and cranky — can we get back on the right track?

"It's like he's a different guy; he's short-tempered and doesn't want to do anything anymore. We used to have great craic together, but now he just seems to be in a bad mood all the time."

Dear Daithi, 

I'm worried about my husband. He has put on an awful lot of weight in the past three years. It's unhealthy, and I am very concerned about him. He switched jobs around the same time to a better, higher-paid position, but it's made him very stressed, and I can see the link between the stress and the overeating.

He gets very angry if I say anything about it. He used to go to the gym two or three times a week. He played five-a-side soccer with his friends, and we would go running together at weekends. Now he works late and eats late. He always has something after his dinner, and I think he is secretly eating too. I have found wrappers stuffed into bags, tied and put in the bin. There's always a lot of fizzy drink cans and junk food debris in his car.

I know this is bad to say, but I also am not as attracted to him as I used to be. This is not just because of how he looks physically — to be honest, it's his whole demeanour and attitude to life. It's like he's a different guy; he's short-tempered and doesn't want to do anything anymore. We used to have great craic together, but now he just seems to be in a bad mood all the time.

We don't have children; the plan was to get our careers to the right place and then start a family. The way things are going, that's never going to happen.

Do you have any advice? 

At the start of this letter I was feeling a little bad for your husband if I’m being honest. I thought it sounded like someone giving out about their husband for putting on weight. But the more I read your letter I began to think that this whole situation is not really ‘all’ about your husband.

In any relationship like this there are three parts: you, him, and both of you together. The problem does seem to stem from his change of life and new demeanour which has affected your relationship and now means that you have drifted away from what was once a very nice and happy place.

If I could go a step further, I think you’re very close to the line and the point-of-no-return. You are not unique because this happens all the time in relationships and sometimes people don’t see what’s happening until it’s too late.

So, what do you do?

Well, I think you need to examine the point above first... have you gone past that line and if you so, you should be honest with yourself and him. Is this relationship worth fighting for and is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

You never asked me what we can do to save your marriage — you only listed the things that have changed and that whatever plan you had for kids might be gone out the window. But you are worried about him so you do care a lot.

Now, let’s say you do care... because I did get a good sense of the good times too to be fair, and you both did have good craic together and it's important to remember that.

Just looking at it from the outside your husband is in a cycle that he needs to break — this relates to work, lifestyle balance, and food. His new job has brought stress and no time for him to mind himself and the truth is that if this continues, he’ll burn out and he’ll wake up one morning and he’ll be all alone.

The bottom line here is it all comes down to life choices. Yes, we all get it when we talk about getting the careers up and running, but what happens when they run away from you, and it is what has happened.

You need to sit down with your husband and thrash this out. You might get a negative response from him, I’m often seen people when they’re so consumed with work and stress, they don’t want to deal with relationship issues and this might drive you over the line. So be ready because if this isn’t sorted now, that's that!

The main purpose is this chat is to show your husband how things have changed, how his behaviour has changed, and you see the future with children with him as blurred now and explain to him how this makes you feel. The big question I have for him is, is this what you want, is this what it’s all about. Really what good is it having a great career, money and nobody to enjoy it with.

In simple terms, is the stress, bad moods, the overeating, being overweight and no kids in future plans aren't worth any job because that is the choice he has to make. And, by the way, if nothing changes on his side that applies to you too in the sense that you want the opposite.

When it comes to his health it’s easily fixed, there is a good pattern there from before when he was playing 5-a-side. And, besides the fitness part, it was great for him to be hanging with the lads.

His diet can be dealt with too; I know what it’s like to have those fizzy drinks and I loved them, but I once saw all the sugar that’s in them I don’t really have them now.

The thing here is, and I’ve mentioned it before, you can only control what you do and it’s all well and good advising him on what he needs to do, but it’s like the smoker giving up the cigarettes — he has to want to do it himself because if he doesn’t you’re going nowhere. This might be the wake-up call he needs to realise what he had, how he has changed and what he needs to do before he loses you, because that’s what’s going to happen if nothing changes.

I know you’re not as attracted to him as you used to be. Putting any weight issues to the side, it’s hard to be attracted to someone who is in a bad mood all the time. But you are still attracted to him which is good. If all goes well start from there and build on it. I don’t think this is something you should say to him, if I have a choice of being right and being kind, I’ll be kind!