Dear Dáithí: My husband has sprung a holiday with his extended family on me

You need to set these boundaries down now, and he can tell everyone your plans. Don’t be worrying about upsetting anyone. 

Dear Dáithí,

We’re off on holidays next week, and I should be thrilled, but I’m a bit apprehensive about it.

My husband and I have been so lucky to have had some amazing travels through the years — from city breaks and adventure holidays, to taking time out in luxury resorts and cruises. We both really love to travel and immerse ourselves in different cultures.

We welcomed our son last year and decided we’d head off to France for a laid-back holiday with him this summer. I could see the three of us strolling through French villages and vineyards, splashing by the pool, and soaking up the sunshine in the evening with a bottle of wine. 

With life being so busy, I’ve always found travel is a great way to just reconnect and spend time together. The idea of bringing our toddler in on our adventures is something we were both so excited about.

I was more than a little surprised when my husband suggested we look at large accommodation options for our trip that would cater, not just for the three of us, but for his parents and siblings and their families. I thought he was joking at first, but he wasn’t. 

He said that when his siblings had children, they always brought their parents on holiday with them so that they can share in the holiday experience with their grandchildren and spend some solid quality time together. He said that, as a bonus, it means we’ll be able to have a night or two out alone as there will be plenty of babysitters.

Now, to be clear, my in-laws are lovely people, and I really enjoy spending time with them. I suppose I was just really looking forward to the idea of just the three of us getting away. 

I also don’t think my husband has put much thought into the reality of family dynamics on the trip, or the fact that we won’t be able to just go off and do our own thing like we usually do.

I want the holiday to work — any advice on how to holiday well in a large group, and how to carve out time for just the three of us without upsetting anyone?

THIS is what happens when things have gone so well from the start; you and your husband have had a great life when it comes to travelling. Everything was on your own terms; you could go where you wanted and when you wanted, you did the cheap and expensive trips, you have seen it all, but with an eye of seeing more of course! 

When a baby comes along, things can change. I know people can be lazy about going away in the beginning, especially when it comes to summer holidays in the sun, but that didn’t bother you, as you saw it as an even greater occasion than before. A great way to look at life, I have to say.

You do paint a lovely picture of the three of you in France in a laid-back setting, sipping the odd glass of wine, away from the norms back home. A chance to re-energise and soak up that beautiful French sunshine, something we could all do with here.

But from your letter, I believe that the main reason for you to get away is to reconnect with your husband. Life is just going by so fast these days, after a while you look across the room and barely recognise the person across from you, and that’s why I think the three of you going away is so important. 

I don’t think people do this when they are at home, for some reason it doesn’t work like that. It’s like we need a ‘clean sheet’ of a new place to sit down and have a normal conversation about how you are doing or something like that.

All was going well of course, until your husband gets a brainwave and wants to bring his parents with you on holiday. Now if this was just a weekend away, I really wouldn’t have a problem with it. 

That would only be two days, and people usually don’t travel too far; but we’re talking about a week minimum here, in the heat and with people who wouldn’t normally spend this length of time together, so to suggest that your husband “hasn’t put much thought into this” is a joke.

He hasn’t put ANY thought at all into this. Not alone are the parents supposed to be coming, but the siblings too and what — their children? Come on now lad, what are you at? 

This is not how you plan a big family holiday either; this sounds like it was planned on the back of the box of cigarettes in the pub. What kind of a game plan is this? By the sounds of the end of your letter, and your questions about how to survive a large group holiday, then it’s happening — or is it?

On the other side of all of this, I can see where he is coming from. He has experienced this as a young fella and would love to recreate this for himself, you, and the baby, and it would be brilliant for the grandparents to experience this too. 

I really like this idea of having all the generations together, but I’m not so sure about bringing all the Brady Bunch to France.

It would seem that he has spoken to the rest of the family about this, and they think it’s a good idea. I often speak about communication in my answers, and the way that this just landed on you is pissing me off. 

Why didn’t the conversation start with “there’s talk of a big family getting away this summer, what do you think, are you interested?” As opposed to whether you can book a bigger house!

Let’s take it that the holiday is going ahead and that you agree to it. First thing is, make it clear that this is one holiday, this year, and that there will be another with just the three of you. Explain, as you did here, how important you think that is for you. 

Secondly, you are not his secretary. If he wants a big family holiday, tell him to find and book a bigger house himself.

Finally, when you are away, the time will be divided into three parts, the larger family time, the three of you time, and you also need an afternoon or two for some spa time or whatever you would like to do. 

You need to set these boundaries down now, and he can tell everyone your plans. Don’t be worrying about upsetting anyone; you have explained what your plans are, and everyone knows them, and that’s just it. 

They really can’t say anything because you set out your stall from Day One. By the way, they will have their own plans too.

So don’t be apprehensive; take charge of your own side of the house, go there with a plan, and stick to it as much as you want, and all will be fine.