Dear Dáithí: 'My neighbour hurts me deeply with her 'jokes' and I've had enough'

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Hi Dáithí,

I’m a quiet and polite person, and while I can be a bit shy, I do enjoy chatting with people in general. I tend to see the good in others and often excuse bad behaviour, though I’ve come to realize that this is not always the healthiest approach.

I’m a middle-aged woman, and I’ve always found it difficult to stand up for myself, as I dislike confrontation. However, there’s a neighbour with whom I’ve become friendly over the past few years. 

We used to walk together at least once a week, but lately, I’ve grown tired of her passing insults, which she brushes off as jokes. She ridicules and belittles me, often embarrassing me when we’re in the company of others.

I went through an extremely painful divorce, and one day while we were walking, she said, as a "joke," "No wonder your husband left you." 

I was gobsmacked and deeply hurt, but at the time, another neighbour arrived, and I didn’t address it. I tried to overlook it, telling myself she didn’t mean it, but since then, she ridiculed me again in public just before Christmas. 

I didn’t want to confront her during the festive season, so I let it slide, but I’ve been avoiding her since. I’m not sure what to do about it. Any advice you might have would be much appreciated.  

Not alone do quiet, polite and shy people excuse bad behaviour, most of us do and I don’t know why. Bad behaviour, common courtesy, common decency or whatever you call it, seems to be gone out the window these days. 

Yes, I know this is a very broad stroke and I also know that the vast majority of us are good people, but whatever has happened, people think they can say anything to anyone nowadays and seem to think it’s okay. 

I think people have gotten used to saying things and commenting on social media about everything, as is the nature of social media and now, and the same people think it’s okay to do the same in real life. 

The difference is, by saying something in real life, you get a real reaction from a real person, and the throw-away comments now cut deep. 

If someone who doesn’t know you on social media says something about you, it might annoy you and you’ll move on, but when a friend pipes up in this way, sin scéal eile.

You don’t like confrontation, who does, well some people do because they are good at it, and it sounds like this pain in the hole of a neighbour you have likes to talk the talk and throw her weight around, but I’m not sure she like confrontation because you haven’t confronted her. 

She seems to think she can say what she wants, about anyone and anything. Well, she can’t, and from now until you get a handle on this, you’ve done the right thing in backing away from this toxic person because this is exactly what she is. 

She has an air of toxicity around her and she is polluting your space. The sad part is that I think you really enjoyed her company until she decided to take this route. It sounds like she started small and then grew into what we have now. 

You kept telling yourself that she didn’t mean it, unless she’s a total gom and she might be, but I don’t think so. I wonder if there is another person you know that knows her. I’d love to find out if she has been like this before, it wouldn’t surprise me if this is the case.

I think we should look at how deep this person has cut you, she knew you went through a very tough time with your divorce; now, what kind of a person throws out a comment like she did, ‘no wonder your husband left you’ — how dare she. 

In no world is that behaviour acceptable. She has also ‘ridiculed you in public before Christmas’ I can hear people screaming as they read this. Nobody should treat anyone like this.

Because you didn’t pull her up on the small things, this person’s ego has run away with any logic when it comes to you, and that with them thinking they are to most important person in the room, this is a dangerous combination. 

It’s very important to say too that all this is on her and a reflection of her as a human being, the only thing you should have done is stand up for yourself. 

I know you don’t like confrontation but sometimes you need to get over these things and push through. For example, what happens if this happens again with someone else? 

What are you going to do, stand back and take this crap and feel bad about yourself because of the actions of someone else? No, that stops now. We’re drawing a line in the sand.

First thing you need to do is figure out if you and this person have gone beyond the point of no return with your friendship; honestly, I think that ship has sailed. 

From your letter I really don’t like this person’s attitude but I wouldn’t lower myself to go calling her names and I’ve a few, believe me. 

If you do meet her though I want you to explain why you don’t want to be friends anymore and the reasons are very clear and tell her how she made you feel, I wouldn’t hold back. 

A person like this will continue to act like this until they are called out on it and for you, I think you’ll feel great after getting this off your chest and it will also stand to you if something like this happens again. 

You really can’t allow people to walk all over you, because some will if they get the chance. 

Being a quiet, polite shy person is who you are and you should never lower your standards for others especially when their values don’t come close to yours. 

Stay true to who you are and what you believe in because it’s clear to me you are on the right path.

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