Dear Dáithí: I'm a new dad — and I feel like my friends have abandoned me

"A lot of people, not only men, bury their head in the sand, hoping that something like this will go away, but it also rarely does until you do something about it and take action."

Mon, 10 Feb, 2025 - 11:25

Daithi Ó Sé

Dear Dáithí,

I am first a time dad, my little girl is 11 months old, and she is the best, most gorgeous little girl my wife and I could have asked for.

My dilemma is that over the past number of months, my friends seem to have dwindled away.

No one seems to bother messaging me anymore, as I assume they think we are busy with the baby.

I have organised things in the past, but it's not been reciprocated, making me feel like there is a reason for not being included.

It's bothering me as I feel isolated and just need someone to meet up with for a drink and a chat.

I am blessed in so many ways and love being a dad, but I feel like I am pouring from an empty cup at the moment.

I’ve been called a lot of names down through the years, but I have to say being called Dad is my favourite.

You are 11 months into the greatest journey of all, but I do feel from your letter that you need a little help.

It feels like you are running out of breath or something like that, or as you say yourself, ‘pouring from an empty cup’.

That can be a very lonely place, especially if you don’t have someone to go to outside the nuclear family, and sometimes that's where the solace is.

From your letter, I think that’s what you’re asking here. Good man, you’re asking for help, and help you should get.

A lot of people, not only men, bury their head in the sand, hoping that something like this will go away, but it also rarely does until you do something about it and take action.

The thing is, you have been proactive, and for some reason your friends haven’t reciprocated, so this is another thing we need to deal with.

The good news is that it's usually something small, and probably have nothing to do with you.

NOTHING PERSONAL

When dads write in to me, it always brings me back to when my own lad was a baby.

I was lucky because he came along when we had just finished a long run on TV, and I had a load of time off.

Now I am a little different to you, because I didn’t want to see anyone only the one fella and herself, and I didn’t give two hoots what happened outside those two people.

Everyone is different, you want to meet your friends, so what is going on?

When one couple in a gang have a baby, it is a great and exciting time for those two, and the world around them has changed, but for everyone else, it’s the same outside of their friends having a baby, so they just get on with their own lives.

It's nothing personal against you, that’s just the way it goes.

They do probably want to give you the time to be a family, and might not know when's a good time to call, or might be afraid they are putting pressure on you to meet on a night that has been prearranged.

I’m only guessing here, and to be honest there is only one way to find out and that is to ask them.

There is always one in the gang who you’ve been closest to down through the years — ask that person if everything is okay in the gang.

Don’t forget, too, that the gang will change as time goes by, so expect that. Don’t text, call this person, and ask to meet for coffee, and tell them you’ll be alone with nobody else with you.

Suss this person out; you might find out a lot, and realize what’s happening and as I’ve said, there has been no big falling out or anything.

OTHER FACTORS

If I’m being totally honest, there might be reason why one or two in the gang might seem cold towards you, and that is they don’t like babies or any baby talk.

I know that might sound mean but it's true. When you don’t have a child, there can be nothing worse than a parent talking about their bundle of joy. I’m a parent and I can’t listen to that crap.

I’m sorry. I only want to hear about my own lad (sometimes), and I think a lot of you are like me. It’s like the smell of your own (child) is fine; the rest have a weird twang, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes too, the person might not be able to have children, they find people with babies just too much, and they tend to avoid them at all costs.

So, what I’d say to your friend is that you want to meet, and there will be no mention of babies, and that you need to get away from it all for a few hours.

I would be very straight with this person about how you feel alone, and that you’re finding it hard. I’d put €100 your friends not having a clue how you’re feeling, and they think that you’re on cloud nine.

The other very important person in all of this is your wife, have you spoken to her about this? How is she coping?

She might very well be in a different boat but on the same river as you. It’s important we find this out.

You haven’t mentioned any problems in your letter in this department, so I can only presume everything is good there, but I do hear from your letter that it’s an evening away from home you need, and if I’m being honest, we all need this, whether you have children or not.

You are running on empty, and you need to go back to the well.