Listen — Ask Audrey: The new feen has a nice bit of road frontage and a dead old lade

His mitt etiquette may be a dealbreaker though

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. The Gods have it in for me and there’s no denying it. 

After years of wading knee-deep through the wastelands of the dating scene in north Cork, didn’t I finally find a man who doesn’t name his farts? 

A farming man no less, with 2 miles of road frontage and a mother cold in the grave for 10 months so I don’t have to be listening to the old witch asking if my father voted Fianna Fail. (As if.) 

He tells me she was a lovely woman, but how would know, the browl and him the eldest boy, sure she worshipped the prime farming ground that he walked on. 

Anyway, he’s Mr Right alright and he’s obviously found another woman to teach him how to do the business, thank God, because I’m sick of saying “No, not there either, you gowl” to the latest sex novice in my life. 

There’s only one problem and I think it might be a deal-breaker. Berna’s brother got married again last weekend and I brought my new lover boy along to the wedding. 

I asked him to put a bit of false tan on my back the night before the big day, and didn’t he put the moves on me, with a big blob of tan on his mitt? 

Doesn’t he know that there are no moves allowed when you’re helping with the tan? How can I break it to him gently? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond 

I have just the thing. Myself and the Posh Cousin have gone into business with a new beauty range. Our top selling item is a fake tan mitt with a slogan on it that reads, ‘I’m sleeping with your brother’. Works every time. (And I am sleeping with his brother.) 

So, I’m like the Elon Musk of Ballintemple without all the evil giant corporations and obscene profits. 

Some people say, "hey Ed, all you have to say is a string of failed food-from-a-horsebox start-ups" and I’m like, "it’s so not my fault the pondlife peeps on Leeside weren’t ready for Mindful Tantric Kimchi Donut Burritos." 

Anyway, my friend Bryan with Y is the ying to my yang — he’s all chinos and taking over his old man’s business, while I’m on the verge of writing a book of short stories, ya feel me? 

Bryan with a Y has a wife and kid now, which is terrible, but at least he’s having an affair with his au pair, she’s really chilled for someone from Italy. 

I was over there the other night at this legit sick BBQ (I don’t expect you to understand half of that, Audrey), when Bryan with a Y’s wife, Katii, took me aside and asked me straight out if her husband is doing the dirt with ‘the help’, her words. 

So like any other chilled hipster, I both want to protect my friend and also end his marriage because Katii and myself had a thing back in the day and I see her as the one that got away. 

Will she come back if I tell her the truth?

— Ed, Ballintemple 

Say nothing. My friend Clodagh never forgave me for revealing that her Ken was having an affair. Mind you, it didn’t help that he was having the affair with me.

C’mere, what’s the story with fancying your old doll’s mam? 

I’ve been seeing the old doll for a few years now, she do be very hot in fairness, but over the last couple of weeks I’m starting to notice she gets her looks from the mam. (Her father is like two bags of hammers.) 

The thing is, my old doll do be giving me grief from the minute she wakes up in the morning. Now, I don’t blame her for that as such — giving grief is their job, and my old doll is very good at it in fairness. 

On the other hand, the mam is all over me like a cheap suit any time we call over there. 

It’s all cream cakes and “you do be looking very well Dowcha Donie, you must live in the gym” from the mam. The old doll never says stuff like that. I genuinely think I’d be happier with the mam, even though she’s nearly 50. 

Do you think the old doll will mind?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool 

She’ll be devastated. Finally gets rid of you and every time she calls to the Mam, there you are eating a cream cake. (Please tell me that’s not some kind of filthy code.) 

It’s getting apocalyptic on our WhatsApp Group, Douglas Road Stunners Struggling to Run a Range Rover. Fifi_ExpensivePedicures said the price at the pumps meant she had to choose between her son’s education and a trip to Crookhaven. (She went for Crook in the end.) 

We banned her for 6 weeks for being short of money, but we’re all watching the old fuel gauge these days. Laura_SpendItBee-atch even said she went on a bus! (Lifetime ban.) 

So Audrey, do you know anyone that could tell Putin to stop his old war because this is really starting to hurt a bit?

— Jenii, Douglas Road

Sorry to hear it’s only hurting a bit. And there was I thinking the war would teach Douglas Stunners there are worse things in life than not being able to afford the Blackrock Road. I’m some gowl.