Listen — Ask Audrey: If you swim in Owenahincha, you're not welcome

Everyone knows that's Cork for 'I'm basic'

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s very results driven on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Find Local GAA Clubs a Bit Common. Fifi_OnTheBall said her sister lives in south county Dublin, it’s not the Douglas Road obvs, but still, how bad. Anyway, this sister, Trixi, has her kids in a GAA club in Dalkey, it’s called Cuala, and everyone is dripping in money. 

She said the kids all have Irish names but the parents haven’t a notion of voting Sinn Féin, sure they’d rob you blind with their taxes. Anyway, Fifi said it would be the business if we could have a GAA club like that in Cork because rugby is getting common now, they’re even playing it in Skibbereen. 

Mimi_Mimosas was like, "I hear ya babes, totes stench of teachers and guards any time I go Nemo or Douglas with my Hugo, I thought the GAA was supposed to be for everyone." So then Lizzy_ElectricVolvo said, "let’s form our own Cuala, and we’ll control who can join. So, it will be a 'thanks but no thanks' to anyone who has ever swum at Owenahincha, because that tod-ally screams “I’m average and I’m proud.” 

Say what you will about the Douglas Road Stunners, but we’re the ladies to a job done unless we get distracted by a flash sale in Brown Thomas. So ya, we’re holding an open night next week for our new club, all welcome — we have to say that, but you know yourself, this is going to be totes elite. What do you think we should call it? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang my GAA mad friend there, No Fault Froggy. I said, "what would you call a GAA team that is a play-thing for multi-millionaires?" He said, "Limerick Hurlers." #FierceBitter.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. It’s piping hot here in north Cork we’re sweating like a Kerry man during a tax audit. We’re all getting the summer clothes out which isn’t exactly a cause for celebration — you haven’t experienced true nausea until you see a Boherbue man in a short-sleeved shirt. 

The freckles and downy hair on them will have you lying awake at night, and not in a good way either. Anyway, I arranged to go beer-gardening with Berna last night, it’s a great hobby and there’s a 100% better chance that you’ll get the shift compared to real gardening, which is more boring than the history of Kiskeam.

I wore a nice little mini-skirt, I’ve a grand set of legs for a small woman, even if I do say so myself. Well, didn’t Berna arrive in a pair of short shorts that would be too young on a woman half her age. I said, "is there something wrong with your mirror you clown, you look like your man out of Little Britain? 

Well, wasn’t I the fool half an hour later when a stag party arrived in, and didn’t they start fluttering around Berna as if she was Beyoncé herself? I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but I could learn a lesson from Berna. So Audrey, where can I get a pair of short shorts for a woman in her 40s?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I rang my fashion guru, Timmy Trending and told him your story. He said, "that’s pathetic." I said, a 40-year-old woman in short shorts? He said, no, "a stag-party in Ballydesmond."

C’mere what’s the story when your old doll starts messaging her ex because she misses his abs? I met her on the rebound from this posh nobber called Jakk, he’d get very angry if you spelt it with a ‘c’. One minute she’d be telling me she was glad to see the back of him. 

Next minute she’d be talking about the muscles on the back of him, in a saucy voice. That’s a low blow, Audrey because I’m allergic to the gym. I don’t be carrying weight or nothing, but I do like an ice cream, particularly these days when it’s Bahamas outside. 

The weather seems to be at the old doll and she sent me a photo of her ex this morning and him topless in Schull, with the caption saying "He wasn’t all bad in fairness." That’s not on, like. We all have our plusses and minuses. I’m kind and I can do this thing with my tongue. Have you any advice for me?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I have one bit of advice. Meet me tomorrow afternoon in Fitzgerald’s Park — I’m dying to see what you can do with your tongue.

Guten Tag. My sister is visiting me in Cork from Berlin and fifteen minutes after she arrived she said, "why are you speaking in an American accent Jurgen?" 

I said, "that is like totally my Cork accent girl, it’s de berries" and she said "no Jurgen," and played back a recording of me and it’s true, I sound like a 15-year-old girl from Santa Monica. My sister said all the Irish people under 40 have American accents now from YouTube, the Cork accent is on the way out. 

"Oh my God," I totally said, "this is a crying shame, dude." How can we save the Cork accent?

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig, yee-haw.

I have the same problem with my kids. I’m torn between locking them in a room with Cha and Miah on a loop or moving to Italy and changing my identity in case they come looking for me. I suppose I could always do both.