Joanna Fortune: My child is struggling to get over the death of our family dog

Grief is not just something we experience emotionally; we feel it in our bodies, too. That is why she is weepy and her appetite is disrupted. Picture: iStock

My 12-year-old daughter is struggling to get over the death of our family dog, which was put down a month ago due to age and ill health. The vet gave us plenty of notice, so I had time to explain why we needed to say goodbye. Still, the death came as a shock to her. She’s weepy most evenings before bed and has lost her appetite. What would you suggest?

Your daughter needs time and space to grieve, and she needs you to support her.

Avoid jumping in with logic in a well-intentioned bid to reassure her that your dog had a long life, that it was too sick, or that you knew in advance this would happen and had a nice goodbye. Right now, none of that matters, though, in time, it will comfort her.

Grief is not just something we experience emotionally; we feel it in our bodies, too. That is why she is weepy and her appetite is disrupted.

Instead of being logical, it’s best to move toward nurture and comfort, to meet her exactly where she is at. Accept and empathise with how she is feeling. 

Acknowledge that this is a huge loss and that what happened is very sad, because she loved your family dog so much. Offer lots of hugs and give her time to feel what she is feeling, so that she can move forward.

Don’t be afraid to show your own grief and sadness, too. Modelling healthy expressions of grief can be very helpful for children as they struggle to understand their own feelings.

At times like this, we can expect shifts in behaviour. Grieving children will often regress and may act in ways they did when they were much younger. 

Your daughter may become clingy, have difficulty sleeping alone, or claim to need help doing tasks you know she is very capable of doing. Again, meet her where she is at for now.

Perhaps it would help to hold a small memorial ceremony as a family, remembering and celebrating your dog’s life. Everyone could share stories, look at photos, and even compile a memory scrapbook.

Do not rush her through this process, nor should you quickly replace the dog with a new one. Give her time and space to work through her grief and heal first.

Maintain steady routines. They offer much-needed structure, predictability, and organisation, which can be very reassuring when we feel emotionally unstable. If and when, as a family, you do feel ready for a new pet, be clear that it is not a replacement.

For children, pets are more than simply animals — they are family members and best friends.

Talk about your beloved dog and ensure she knows that she can talk about her loss too. Gently let her know that this pain will lessen as she grows around it, and that her happy memories with her dog will live forever.

Books like The Invisible Leash, by Patrice Karst, are dedicated to supporting children through grief for pets. Karst conveys the idea that an invisible leash connects our hearts to our pets, even after they have died. 

The book might be a helpful resource for your daughter as you move forward.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]