Joanna Fortune: My teenager's confidence is slipping because she doesn't have a boyfriend 

Many of her friends are dating, and she has started saying she’s ugly and boring

She does not need you to minimise or dismiss her feelings — she needs to know she is not alone with them and that you are there to listen. Picture: iStock 

My daughter is 16 and is feeling very down about not having a boyfriend. Many of her friends are dating, and it seems to be all they talk about when they are together. She has started saying she’s ugly and boring. No matter what I say, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I hardly recognise the girl who used to laugh all the time as a child. What would you suggest?

Adolescence is such a challenging time of constant change, yet all you want is to blend in and be like your friends. So, when your friends start getting into relationships, it’s easy to feel pressure to be in one too and difficult when this doesn’t happen immediately.

Of course, you know how wonderful your daughter is, how beautiful she is inside and out, and that it is worth waiting to meet someone she develops a true connection with, rather than any boyfriend just to be like her friends.

When she is distressed and laments not feeling as pretty or interesting as her friends, it is natural for every fibre of your being to pull you towards reassuring her she is beautiful and special, but I am asking that you not do so. 

She does not need you to minimise or dismiss her feelings — she needs to know she is not alone with them and that you are there to listen.

Try a ‘wondering’ approach. Let her speak, and if she is not speaking, reflect back her non-verbal communication as you interpret and understand it. For example: “I’ve noticed that you seem out of sorts today. Your shoulders are rounded forward; you’re wearing your comfort hoodie and burrowing into the corner of the sofa. I wonder if you’d like a hug from me?”

You are not asking your teenager to tell you what’s wrong. You are not judging their physical demeanour, demanding they change it — “Stand up straight, what’s wrong with you?” — nor have you judged their emotional demeanour and insisted they change it — “You’re in quite the mood, cheer up for goodness sake”.

Instead, you are seeking to tell the story of what you are “hearing” from them. You are communicating you understand and accept with empathy how they are feeling.

This non-judgmental approach communicates that I see you, that you are having a hard time, and I am here to offer comfort if you wish to avail of it. Practising ‘being-with’ does not require dialogue, nor does it demand that your daughter explain how she is feeling. 

Let her lead the conversation. Let her emotionally exhale all she is feeling. Then, rather than telling her she is wrong, reflect that you wish she could see herself through your eyes because you see her kindness, humour, intelligence, loyalty, and beauty.

Beyond this, focus on strengthening and enhancing her self-esteem. When she talks about not having a boyfriend, wonder what qualities she would find attractive in a partner. Be playful about it by telling her she can imagine her dream boyfriend. 

You could play along, but emphasise the traits that make her valued, respected, and treated well. This way, you are reminding her of her worth and supporting her in identifying traits she is seeking in a boyfriend by focusing on herself first.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]