These are the most common childhood sleep-related questions parents ask me

The primary task in their first few months is to make sure your baby feels loved, safe, and supported, says sleep consultant Lucy Wolfe

‘It’s very typical for babies, in the early weeks and months, to wake frequently and to need feeding, comfort, or just to be awake when everyone else wants to be sleeping,’ says sleep consultant and author Lucy Wolfe.  Picture: iStock 

WHO doesn’t dearly cherish a good night’s sleep? That gloriously satisfied state of feeling rested, refreshed, and ready for anything.

It’s a cruel irony that just when we need it most in one of the biggest transitions of our lives — becoming a parent — we find ourselves robbed of our nightly sustaining shut-eye.

And all because of our tiny new arrival, who we love more than we ever thought possible, yet very soon the perennial question on many an exhausted parent’s mind is: How can I get my baby to sleep so I can sleep too?

Paediatric sleep consultant and author Lucy Wolfe joins ieParenting at Cork’s Douglas Court Shopping Centre today to chat through all things childhood sleep.

Ahead of that event, we invited her to share the most common childhood sleep-related questions parents ask.

What am I doing wrong?

“Parents, struggling with any aspect of their child’s sleep, often reduce it to something they’re not doing right. I see it a lot,” says Wolfe.

She says there is no right or wrong, no one way to support a child to sleep better or differently.

Sleep consultant Lucy Wolfe.

“What we’re trying to do is dilute this idea that, just because the baby’s sleep is difficult or different or unexpected, that this is because a parent has done something wrong.

“In fact, many factors influence sleep. Often, the first step to sleep improvement is to understand that a lot of what parents experience could be interpreted as typical infant sleep behaviours.

“It doesn’t always boil down to something needing a solution.”

My baby will only sleep in my arms — what can I do?

“Parents view this as problematic, they feel they need to change it,” says Wolfe, who believes that it’s a normal tendency for a young infant.

“After all, the baby has been carried in the uterus for nine months. It’s very usual to have a period of adjustment where they need proximity and contact. Parents can feel it’s inconvenient or a bad habit. Sometimes there’s a narrative around it — ‘You’re spoiling the baby’, ‘You’re creating a problem’.

“The primary task in the first few months is to ensure the baby feels loved, safe, and supported. I would lean into that dynamic [of the baby wanting to sleep in your arms]. Support the baby in its current need — you could use a baby sling or carrier with attention to safety. Or spread the load — draft in family support — have baby sleep in lots of other arms.

“Over time, the need will slowly dilute. Realising early on that it’s just a normal transitional phase can be helpful.”

My baby wakes frequently through the night — how can I stop this?

“It’s very typical for babies, in the early weeks and months, to wake frequently and to need feeding, comfort, or just to be awake when everyone else wants to be sleeping,” says Wolfe, explaining that baby sleep is “completely disorganised” to begin with.

“It undergoes a fairly rapid phase of development, becoming more organised by about 12 weeks onwards.

“This doesn’t mean baby will sleep through the night at 12 weeks — but that night sleep has become more organised on a circadian rhythm basis.”

Wolfe recommends accepting it for what it is.

“Again, share the load. Perhaps one parent can go to bed earlier to get a block of sleep. Maybe sleep in shifts.

“In the early months, meet whatever the baby seems to need when they wake — whether it’s boob, bottle, or to be held in your arms.

“Remember, frequent night waking isn’t going to last forever.

“You can proactively begin to shape infant sleep by making daytime adjustments that will help the maturation of organised sleep.”

What can I do to help my baby sleep better?

Wolfe suggests:

• Regular wake-times, the same time every day.
• Exposing baby to bright, natural light for about 10 minutes within the first half-hour or hour of getting up: "Morning light is a powerful organiser of sleep and regulates the internal body clock. Outdoors is preferred, but by a window is equally effective.”

• Develop a variety of ways to help your baby sleep, for example, with motion in a buggy or car: “Babies really like movement to soothe them to sleep.”

• Tune into your baby’s sleep language, what they do when they start to get tired. These cues are often not very noticeable, for example, brief eye rubs, slight yawns: “When you begin to see more obvious signs, the baby may be over-tired — potentially making it harder to regulate and go to sleep.”

What’s a good bedtime routine to aspire to?

Focus on preparing the gradual transition from wakefulness to sleep.

“Children need to be supported in that transition,” says Wolfe.

“It’s about providing the context for sleep-time — a dimly-lit environment to help melatonin production, and a bed-time ritual that really focuses on the relationship.”

She says the before-sleep interaction is vital in promoting relaxation and sleep.

“Emotional availability, eye contact, physical contact, story reading, and calming activities appear to be very important,” Wolfe says.

“Lots of parents induce sleep — rocking, feeding or holding until the baby falls asleep. The bed-time ritual needs to be a precursor to that. It helps regulate the nervous system.”

Should I wait until my baby is asleep before putting him in his cot?

Wolfe says research shows babies transferred to their cot while already asleep are two to three times more likely to wake than babies put into the cot awake.

“Starting out, babies have a high need to be held, rocked, soothed to sleep. The task over time is to do the work around regulating and bed-time routine, [thereby] fostering independence where baby feels safe to go to sleep by themselves,” she says.

What if my child resists bedtime?

It’s very common, and a big reason is overtiredness or the baby not tired enough.

These two states can look similar, says Wolfe. “If sleep pressure builds up, the child becomes overtired.

“If sleep pressure is weak, they’re equally resistant to sleep.

Getting them at the right time when the brain and body are in sync, and they’re sleep-ready, feels like a tight line of alignment.

This is why learning your baby’s sleep cues is helpful, but Wolfe says, depending on temperament, some children only give very late sleep cues.

“Or if sleep is very dysregulated, they won’t be in good sleep communication with you,” she adds.

Resolving this comes back to reliability and regularity, for example, having a set bed-time until you learn when your child naturally starts to become sleep-ready.

“When the baby feels emotionally safe, and their body is calm, they’re more likely to get to sleep with greater ease. Try to foster this.

“It’s where all our interaction during the day comes in — our attunement to our baby.”

What can I do about night terrors?

Wolfe says the natural upset that can come with a child waking in the night mustn’t be confused with night terrors.

She explains that night terrors usually emerge after age two.

“A night terror is a really distressing episode for a child where nothing will soothe them — it has to play out. Their eyes may be open or closed, but the standout characteristic is that nothing you do will bring them out of it.”

Night terrors generally happen within two to four hours after the child goes to bed. While some research suggests they will just grow out of it, Wolfe says the biggest contributory factor is overtiredness.

She suggests:

• Earlier bedtimes have been shown to improve things;
• Avoid high hidden sugar intake;
• General over-exposure to TV and screens — not just before bed — seems to exacerbate night terrors;
• Heat — whether environmental in the bedroom, or a child dressed in synthetic, non-breathable materials, can be a contributory factor.

My baby rises early — what can I do?

“I hear a lot about waking up at 4am or 5am. For parents, it can feel really unrelenting — like no matter what they do, it doesn’t stop,” says Wolfe.

Though it seems counterintuitive, she says that, to address early rising, bed-time needs to be brought forward rather than pushed back.

“Too big a wake period before bedtime can promote early waking. For four- to eight-month-old babies, night-time sleep goes much better if they’re not awake for more than two hours before bed-time.”