Joanna Fortune: My young daughters argue all the time

Portrait of two sisters kids having an argument, fighting. Family conflict, children In Quarrel, disagreement

My daughters, aged 11 and nine, constantly argue. They have very different personalities — one is messy and talkative, while the other is tidy and quiet. 

I can’t remember a time when they were at ease in each other’s company. I’m already dreading the teenage years. What can I do to help them get along?

You are their parent, not their referee, so you need to avoid getting pulled into this negative dynamic.

Both are in the middle childhood phase (eight to 12 years), meaning they are competitors within the same developmental stage, which can lead to the type of tension you describe.

All this is further compounded by how different they are in terms of personality and behavioural traits.

These differences can cause them to irritate each other because their capacities for frustration tolerance are still very underdeveloped. As they grow up, this will change, and they will better understand and even complement each other temperamentally.

So, while I advise you not to get pulled into their bickering (largely because you can only lose in this instance with each accusing you of always taking the other’s side), there are practical ways to encourage and reinforce positive interactions.

Start by promoting positive shared experiences — a family board game night is a great way to do this. Board games invite conflict in a safe, structured, and playful way.

You can choose games that require teams and have them work collaboratively, or invite some healthy expression of competition by having them on opposing teams. Choose games that play to each of their strengths and games that are designed to bring energy up as well as down. You will find a rich and broad range of games on the Irish store cogstoysandgames.ie

Praise any positive interactions. Start by practicing “a compliment a day” for everyone in your family and take turns paying each other a compliment (focus on their attributes and behaviour rather than what they look like) so that you might say, “I like the way you sing to yourself in the mornings” or “I like the way you always make sure there’s tea for me when I come into the kitchen”, or more general “I like that you’re kind”. Everyone should participate in this exchange daily.

You could also use this approach to address their difficulties, for example, saying, “I like it when you don’t…”, ensuring a positive framing so that it must be something they do, rather than they don’t.

Build a habit by sticking with the practice even if they initially resist.

Think connection over correction — if you over-focus on their overt behaviour and what isn’t working, you risk inadvertently reinforcing it. Spend some one-to-one time with each child, building them up and making sure they know you see, understand, and enjoy them for exactly who and how they are. Topping up each of their personal “love-cups” will help them feel more resourced and less inclined to be pulled into combative tension with each other.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]