Joanna Fortune: My son is finding it difficult to keep up at school 

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My 11-year-old son is struggling to keep up at school. He is naturally sporty, which gives him great confidence as he is often picked for team games. Lately, however, he has started describing himself as 'stupid' and 'a loser'. I've tried to tell him everyone is different and that it's personality, not school results, that matters in the long run, but he shrugs his shoulders and walks away. Is there anything else I can do?

There are two points in your letter that I want to address. Firstly, is there a reason your son is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork? Speak with his teachers to understand his apparent struggles in class. Discuss what you observe at home and share how your son feels based on what he has told you. Let them know that you want to understand better why he is struggling and, if they share your concern, ask what can be done to provide practical support for your son regarding access to resource hours and an NEPS (National Educational Psychology Service) assessment if warranted. If there is a specific reason why your son finds it difficult to keep up in class, it is best that you know what it is well before his transition to secondary school.

Secondly, I want to address his negative self-talk and how you reassure him. The temptation to jump in and rescue our children from complicated feelings is very understandable, but it is not helpful. Instead, when he shares vulnerable thoughts and feelings with you, such as 'I’m stupid or 'I'm a loser',  I suggest you take a breath, sit with him and empathise with his emotions.  Perhaps saying something like, 'Gosh, you’re feeling really frustrated with how difficult school has become for you. I can hear it in how you are talking about yourself. I’m sorry that things feel so difficult right now.' Then, pause and hold space for him to continue sharing his feelings, even if he gets upset, cries, or gets angry. Acknowledge that you hear and understand how he is feeling so that he knows he is not alone with those feelings.

When we rush in with our (well-intentioned) fix-or-change agenda, we deny our children the opportunity to express their feelings.

As difficult as it may be, it’s crucial to meet them where they are and reflect back their true emotions. By offering acceptance and empathy, we let them know we are here whenever they need to vent or express challenging emotions and thoughts.  Dismissing difficult feelings doesn’t mean our children will never have those feelings again, but it might mean they stop bringing them to us, something we don’t want to happen.

 By practising the above, your son will feel heard and understood and know you can help him. 

When he is calm, you can add, “Is there something you would like me to do that would help with this?” and give him the opportunity to say yes or no. Perhaps what he wanted was for you to listen, and you will have done that.

Beyond these conversations, keep an eye on the negative self-talk. Seek opportunities to afford him independence building and reinforce his strengths in specific, detailed ways, for example, 'You worked really well with your teammates today rather than saying, 'Great game!'.

• You might find this podcast episode helpful exa.mn/15-Minute-emotional-support
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]