Joanna Fortune: My teenager barely talks to me — what have I done wrong?
Dr Joanna Fortune: "Adolescence is a stage of identity reformation and the pull is to prioritise your world outside of family, in other words, she will seek to push you away so that she can lean into her peer group and the outside world beyond you."
The teenage years are a time of intense change, not only for our teenagers who are in the throes of physical, neurological, social and emotional changes but also for parents and caregivers who must grow their parenting in line with their children’s growth and development. This period requires a significant parental pivot in the teenage years, which can feel like a time of emotional disconnection, to maintain our parent-child connection.
I understand your frustration, but I urge caution about responding to her apparent rudeness by withholding nurture/care-based tasks, as this will only serve to drive further disconnection between you both.
Try to reflect on your teenage years, recalling how it felt, the difficulties of that phase of development, how others responded to you and how you wish you were responded to instead. What difference would that have made to you at that time? Let this be your starting point regarding how you seek to respond to your daughter now.
When you ask her, “What’s wrong?” she may perceive this as a demand or even a judgment from you. Also, it's likely she doesn’t know how to express her feelings right now. And in terms of something being wrong, there may not be anything tangible she can give you. This is a time of confusion, uncertainty and anxiety. It may feel like everything and everyone is changing, and she is trying to find herself in that change.
Adolescence is a stage of identity reformation and the pull is to prioritise your world outside of family, in other words, she will seek to push you away so that she can lean into her peer group and the outside world beyond you. You haven’t “done” anything to “deserve” this treatment (as you put it), and while it feels intensely personal, it really isn’t a personal attack against you but rather a projection of how she is feeling within herself. The lack of communication can be very painful to experience, but it is normal development.
The challenge now is to find creative ways to maintain your connection with your daughter within the boundaries of mutual respect. Try to pick your battles, don’t call everything out, but remind her that in your home, you will always treat and speak to her respectfully and expect her to be respectful in return. Let her know you understand she doesn’t want to talk some days and agree that you will give her space when this happens. Select a show she likes to watch and become interested in it too. It doesn’t matter what it is nor what you think of it - use it as a moment of meeting (opportunity for connection). By being interested in what interests her, you are showing her that she is interesting, which will support her self-esteem and help maintain a connection.
Above all else, avoid “door-slammer” interactions and keep those doors of communication open.
If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie
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