Joanna Fortune: My teenager has a summer job but refuses to save for college 

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My 16-year-old daughter got a summer job working in a local deli. She loves the work and the independence. I suggested she start a savings fund for college but she says it's her parents' responsibility to pay for her third-level education. I explained that we're on a limited budget and that paying her fees and accommodation will be a big stretch, but she just shrugged. In the meantime, she's busy ordering clothes and makeup online, which I find hard to accept. Am I being unreasonable? 

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, though neither is your daughter. Let me explain what I mean. Your suggestion that she save some of her earnings towards college or planning for her future is sensible, mature, and balanced. It is informed by the benefits of your adult perspective and highly developed impulse control.

Your daughter is not an adult. She is at a stage of development that leaves her more oriented to thrill-seeking, reward-driven, impulsive decision-making that provides instant gratification. College life is a world away as far as she is concerned.

It sounds like this is her first job and I can recall vividly the excitement of earning what I considered ‘real’ money in my first teenage summer job. It was a thrill to buy my own clothes and products without asking my parents if I could have them. I may not have spent wisely, but I spent independently and that mattered hugely in terms of my adolescent development and emerging sense of autonomy.

Try to see this from your daughter’s point of view. She is working hard and earning her own money, which is great. She is up, out of the house, and active in the community. These are all wins and be sure that you reflect how proud you are of her.

At 16, she is very much rooted in the here-and-now and college seems a long way off and not something to be concerned about. However, I understand your desire for her to develop budgeting and saving skills. Try to come at this in another way. Say that you expect her to fund her own social life, activities, and toiletries while earning. In its own way, this will slow her frivolous spending, as she will have to plan for nights out with friends or personal items and budget accordingly. You could also offer a choice: she either covers these costs herself or gives you 20% of her pay, which you will lodge into a savings account.

It is hard for her to grasp the abstract notion of budgeting for college at this age, but keep it as an open conversation to return to as she develops more awareness of how much the things she wants and needs in her life actually cost.

Be clear in refusing requests for money to pay for everyday items. For example, say: “Our family budget cannot spare that money this week”, which will highlight that essential needs are prioritised. This is good financial and budgetary modelling for her.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]