Joanna Fortune: My teenage daughter insists on wearing skimpy clothes 

Pic: iStock

My 14-year-old daughter insists on wearing tiny shorts and a crop top when she meets her friends in town. I know it’s about fitting in with her peer group, but I worry that she’ll attract the wrong kind of attention from boys. What should I do?

Clothes can be a way to push boundaries, test limits, and playfully experiment with identity and image. I would urge caution around linking the (potential) bad behaviour or the thoughts of others to what your daughter wears. Your daughter can dress in whatever way she feels comfortable because clothes don’t carry consequences: Behaviour and choices carry consequences.

I don’t say this to dismiss your worries, but to reframe and reposition your worries.

Perhaps you are more worried about what your daughter’s grown-up way of dressing signifies: That she is growing up and stretching her independence beyond you.

At 14, her peer group is her hub of social and emotional development, and as she pulls away from your influence, it can feel scary that you may not be able to protect her from potential harm. Parents also have to trust that the job we have done as our children’s biggest influence to date will stand to them and that our moral code and voice are what they will default to when faced with challenging choices and decisions.

Add to this developmental mix that early adolescence (12-14) is peak puberty, when they will spend long periods scrutinising their appearance.

This increased self-awareness can become self-consciousness, and while they are more focused on their physical appearance, they can react badly if you show too much interest in how they look or if you comment in (even a perceived) critical way.

Sexual interest is also becoming piqued and your daughter may be experimenting with ways to feel more confident and attractive around others.

Approach this empathically. Be affirming about the choices she makes around her clothes. Say: ‘You really thought about what to wear when going out today and those colours really suit you’.

That is a more connected statement than remarking on how long it took to get ready or questioning if that is what she is going to wear.

Offer positive feedback on the clothes you think she looks most comfortable and confident in (this may or may not be the short-shorts and crop tops).  Say: ‘That outfit works so well on you or the neckline of that shirt is really flattering on you’. Don’t say: ‘Now, isn’t that much more comfortable than those tiny shorts.’

Think back to when you were her age and the thrill and challenge of taking up space in the world and stretching your independence. Think how self-conscious you could feel in your changing body and how all you wanted was to fit in and gain approval and acceptance from the group.

How do you wish your parents had spoken to you around all of this? Let that be the voice you speak from now on.

I have a podcast episode on the stages of adolescence you may find useful at exa.mn/15-minutes-teens

If you have a question for Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]