Joanna Fortune: My three-year-old thinks it's funny to use swear words 

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My three-year-old daughter has started to use swear words — she has probably picked them up in playschool. I’ve asked her to stop, saying it’s rude but she thinks it’s funny and keeps swearing and often in front of my friends, which is embarrassing. What can I do?

Most parents have faced this issue at some point. From the age of approximately two, children explore language in broader and deeper ways. Their use of swear words is typically accidental — new words interest them and new sounds are fun and playful to try out. Cause-and-effect thinking is still underdeveloped but even at this age, they like to make us laugh.

Swear words can, initially, sound funny coming from a toddler’s mouth. But when we laugh we teach our children that this is entertaining and something we enjoy, so they keep doing it, anticipating a joyous response. But when we frown and say, “No, stop that”, it confuses them.

Young children also learn through mirroring. They might see others (children or adults) using swear words when frustrated or angry. Then when they have similar feelings, they default to mirroring the words they have observed those around them using. So if we want to change this behaviour in our children, we need to change how we respond.

Try coming at issue in a gentle yet firm way that models calm, clear, consistent responses.

When she swears, stay calm and take her hands in yours as you lower yourself to her level. Say a gentle yet firm: “No. We do not use that word.”

Children learn by playing with language and sound. Rolling new words around their mouth and playing with the musicality of voice tone is a great way to teach them the words and phrases you want to hear.

Play a sound-mirroring activity: “Let’s practice saying, ‘Oops, uh-oh, oh gosh, hurray’.” and repeat those alternate words three times in different tones to convey frustration, fear, anger, sadness and joy. When you have done this with your daughter for a couple of minutes, simply redirect her focus to another task and distract her with play.

If you can do this consistently, always in the same way, using the same tone of voice and facial expression, she will better understand that it is not OK for her to swear.

As our children begin to grow up, they can keep two conflicting sets of rules about one thing in mind — in this case, some words are acceptable for adults but not for children to use. However, a three-year-old child cannot parallel think, so the same language rules that apply to her will also apply to the grown-ups in her life.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune please send it to [e-mail]