Joanna Fortune: My teen wants to learn how to drive but I think it's a bad idea

Knowing when to step back and let our teens be more independent is not always an easy call to make

Tue, 18 Nov, 2025 - 01:00

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Child psychotherapist

My 17-year-old daughter is keen to learn how to drive a car. I don’t think it’s a good idea, as she often struggles with concentration and has a lot of growing up to do. However, my husband is all for it, saying it’ll give her great independence and a sense of responsibility.

It’s easy for him to say, as it’ll be my car that she will be driving. How do I stand my ground without having a blazing row?

Knowing when to step back and let our teens be more independent is not always an easy call to make. But if we never allow them to take on new responsibilities, then how will they ever grow and develop independence?

Yes, they may well stumble and fall, but if we can support them to learn from their mistakes, they will learn to become independent, functioning (young) adults.

However, I tend to approach learning to drive a little differently, mainly because it is an immense responsibility and there are very real safety considerations to be taken into account.

Teenagers demonstrate signs of readiness to drive when we see them showing awareness and attention to the details around them, when we observe them being calm and able to take and follow directions, when we know that they can follow clear rules and when they understand the responsibility of taking a car out onto the road.

Without this evidence, I don’t think they can be ready. Learning to drive and, more specifically, being allowed to drive a car, is a privilege that must be earned, not an entitlement.

To avoid the “blazing row” as you’ve put it, approach this situation with calm, clear communication. Sit with your daughter and tell her that you are so happy she’s interested in learning to drive and that she feels ready for all the responsibility that comes with it. Now, break down the process into steps such as:

She must study for and pass her driver’s theory test — this shows she at least knows the essential rules of the road;
She must take a minimum number of driving lessons with a registered instructor (in their car) and be deemed ready to sit her driving test;
She must sit and pass her driving test;
She must save and contribute towards her car insurance costs — this shows you how serious she is and how committed she is to getting her driver’s licence.

These are clear, tangible steps, but her capacity to follow through and deliver on them indicates whether she is ready or at least prepared to put in the work. (The guidelines about learning to drive can be found on rsa.ie/services/learner-drivers.)

By presenting it in this way, you are neither saying no nor implying that you don’t think she is ready. You are saying that her enthusiasm is a positive thing and that you will support her in reaching the point where she can drive a car independently, but learning how to drive takes time and practice. Be open and supportive — don’t set her up to fail.

Perhaps, once she has taken her lessons and got her L-plates, you or her dad could take her to a safe space, and she could practice driving with one of you beside her. This way, you get to see how she is behind the wheel in a safe and controlled environment.