Joanna Fortune: My five-year-old is acting like a teenager

'We used to get on well, and she looked to go everywhere with me. But now she only wants to meet her friends'

My five-year-old daughter has changed since she started school. We used to get on well, and she looked to go everywhere with me. But now she only wants to meet her friends. Also, when I ask her to help out around the house, she says ‘no’ and walks away. It’s as if she has become a teenager.

Your daughter has started primary school and with that transition, her world has opened up and become bigger than home, family, and you. She has been exposed to other influences, behaviours, attitudes and experiences, most of which are positive and welcome. Children need these critical learning opportunities to grow and develop.

Your daughter will have been exposed to some new, confusing, and even negative behaviours, including micro-aggressions in the playground (‘you can’t play with me’, ‘I don’t like you’ or ‘you’re OUT of this game’ etc.) and learning how to master these tension-rousing experiences is also an important developmental milestone. While she is learning to manage all the emotions associated with school, you might see some of her struggles play out at home in this sassy, pseudo-mature behaviour you describe.

All children thrive within clear, calm, consistent boundaries. Boundaries provide a sense of safety and containment that make the world feel safer. Healthy boundaries are structured rather than rigid. Rigid rules are inflexible, for example, ‘because I said so’ or ‘I’m in charge, that’s why!’ But structure is flexible and adaptable, it bends without breaking. You mention asking your five-year-old to help around the house and it’s not surprising she would decline such a request. Frankly, they have much more interesting things to do. But chores are a helpful way to promote appropriate responsibility and offer opportunities to give praise.

Pick one or two manageable chores she can do easily. She doesn’t get paid for these because part of being in a family is helping out but you can thank her for doing her chores each day. Consider that she might straighten her duvet, put her PJs under the pillow and put laundry into the basket. She might also set the table for dinner if you want to mix it up. You know your child best and can select chores to match her ability. The point is to be specific and consistent in what you ask her to do.

If she only wants to be with her friends, try not to personalise this, though I know it can feel like a rejection. She is growing up and the pull towards her peer group will only increase. Again, approach this with structure in mind. For example, say: ‘We are going to the park. Would you like to sing or make up stories on our way there? (this is the activity with you) And I am excited to see who you will play with and what you will play when we get there (acknowledging her pull to her peers in a supportive way).

Seeing our children growing up and away from us can be hard, and we can miss those times when we were their world.

However, this does not mean they no longer want or need us, far from it. It simply means this is a sign our parenting must grow up in line with their growth and development.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]