Joanna Fortune: My daughter finds it difficult to make friends 

Joanna Fortune: It is difficult to watch our children struggle, especially with friends

Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

My 10-year-old daughter dreads returning to school as she finds it difficult to make friends. The girls in her class seem to have formed their own networks, leaving her with no one to play with in the yard. She has two older brothers and enjoys the rough and tumble of home life. What would you suggest?

Friendship is one of those ever-evolving parts of our lives. Very young children, pre-school age, will take opportunities to play rather than being selective about who they play with. As they start primary school, we see them pick up and drop friends, changing who they are friends with as they discover who is like them or not, who makes them feel good or not. 

Typically, our children settle into friendship groups around seven to nine years old and remain with these friends (with some variance) through primary school. Generally, I would advise parents to stay out of their children's friendships, even the squabbles along the way, unless something teeters into bullying when you should intervene. Children must find their way through these relationships as they learn so much about themselves and other people, how to negotiate boundaries and engage in repair following a rupture with pals. They need these learning experiences.

It is, of course, difficult to watch our children struggle, especially with friends, as they rely on their friends when away from us all day at school.

Your daughter is in the midst of middle childhood (eight to 12 years old) when a lot of changes happen. This is a stage of development when our children's focus shifts away from parents and towards their friends and the outside world. As our children move through middle childhood into the pre-teen years, we can see changes in their friendship groups as some youngsters seem to mature all of a sudden, while others are slower to do so. As a result, a gap can emerge within relationships where they are no longer compatible 'play-mates' based on changing and differing interests and focus.

You say your daughter is finding it difficult to make friends, and I wonder if this has always been the case for her. Not all children need a group of friends — some do best with two close friends and do not enjoy larger group interactions. There is nothing wrong with this so long as they have social connections with peers. You also say she likes rough and tumble with her brothers and mention only girls in school, so I gather she is in a single-sex school. I wonder if she has found anyone who plays in the way she likes to play. Get curious about how she likes to play and ask who enjoys playing games in a similar way.

It is worth speaking with your daughter's teacher to ask about how she is in the class and how she engages with others. Ask her to select a friend to invite over to play some afternoon. Perhaps she has extra-curricular activities that connect her with children with shared interests, and you could help nurture those connections.

I suggest you play with different social scenarios to understand her experience better. Try a role-play where she is a child playing with others while you act her part. Play out, approaching other children and asking them to join the game. Switch roles and have her role-play this scenario with you. Through this simple exchange, you are showing her ways to make new connections.

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