What's expected of you as a new grandparent? Here are 12 things the experts recommend

Granny and grandad have years of parenting experience, but they need to resist the urge to take charge of their grandchildren

Children thrive when their grandparents offer unconditional, non-judgemental love. Picture: iStock

After months of barely contained excitement, the new arrival is here, and you are a first-time grandparent. But alongside the joy, there’s uncertainty.

Your child has become a parent and parenting has evolved since you were at the helm. So what’s expected of you as a grandparent? How can you help? How much is too much? Will the grandparents ‘on the other side’ be a natural at this? Will you?

We asked experts for tips for newly minted grandparents.

1. Talk about expectations

Psychotherapist Anne McCormack says some grandparents may want to be very involved in their grandchild’s life, might want to see them all the time, and help as much as they can.

“Others may want a peripheral role: They still have a lot of their own stuff going on; they enjoy the routine of life as it is and don’t want that disrupted.”

Expectations do not have to be the same, but it’s important to communicate them to each other for clarity. “Resentment can build if one person feels suddenly neglected because there’s a grandchild on the scene, and all the routines that were part of the couple's life are dropped.”

2. Set boundaries

IACP-accredited counsellor Jared Gottlieb says boundaries allow for a flow of love and goodwill. “If a grandparent forgoes a part of their identity in the service of grandparenting, at some point, there’ll be resentment.

“Having the boundary allows the grandparent to feel wholly good about what they’re doing.”

Gottlieb says boundaries are much easier to establish at the beginning rather than when things aren’t working. “It can be good to play with it even before the baby’s born. To have a calibrated sense of expectation, share what your hopes and expectations are. If these align with the parents’, great. If not, have a conversation about it.”

McCormack says even if you’re very involved with your grandchild, it’s important to keep your own identity. “Make sure you still give time to things in your life that matter: Hobbies, friendships, travel, other family members.

“Have no guilt about planning something that doesn’t prioritise your grandchild all the time. You’re entitled to have a life beyond being a grandparent.”

3. Understand your adult child will have boundaries, too

It may not be immediately obvious what these are, says McCormack. “With a new baby, it takes parents time to settle in to a different routine, a new way of organising life. It’s really important grandparents expect that and respect it.

Anne McCormack: Grandparents should not have guilt about having a separate life.

“For example, one boundary might be around the parents’ decision-making about the presence of religion in the child’s upbringing. It’s important grandparents respect this and don’t try to impose their own ideas.”

4. Defer to the parents

“Grandparenting is not a return to parenting, but a whole new adventure,” says Gottlieb. “The parents are setting the tone now. And the grandparent has an opportunity to practice unconditional, loving kindness; not spoiling the child, but expressing a generous presence, attention, and love.”

He says grandparents have an opportunity for a special, unique relationship with their grandchild. “To share love, impart wisdom, and develop connection. I know people who’ve felt most seen by their grandparent.”

Indeed, a University of Oxford study found grandparents play a vital role in children’s wellbeing: Grandchildren with a high level of grandparental involvement had fewer emotional and behavioural problems.

“The foundation for this relationship is the grandparent having trust with the parent from the beginning,” says Gottlieb.

He recalls a friend, a grandmother, whose adult child wanted her to bathe the grandchild in a particular way.

“My friend had put in thousands of hours bathing children. Though different to what she’d have done, she chose to do it exactly as the parent wanted — this was part of building trust with the parent, which is precious.”

5. Support the parents without giving unasked-for advice

Jared Gottlieb: So much about being a grandparent is deferring to the parent.

Gottlieb acknowledges a certain absurdity that “grandparents with years of experience are following the lead of complete novices”. Yet, he says, this is how it must be. “Grandparents have had all these years of experience, so it can be natural instinct to say, ‘Do this’. But the parents might want to run a different experiment.”

He recalls poet Mairéad Heffron describing "the advice I don’t want wrapped in the help I need" and says a real gift from grandparents is to refrain from giving unsolicited advice. “If advice is asked for, [do] draw on the huge store of wisdom you have; [otherwise] it’s really about being the best support you can be.”

What parents may need, particularly at the beginning, he says, is: Dishes done, meals made, a few hours to nap.

6. Avoid going all-in at the start

“If you set the expectation you’ll be arriving over with dinner every day, and you’re always available to help out, if another of your adult children has a baby, they may expect the same. It can be very hard to row back from,” says McCormack.

She suggests saying: 'I’d like to help. For the first six weeks, this is what I’m offering to do, if that would be helpful.' This communicates your expectations of yourself. 

“It also gives your adult child an opportunity to say, ‘That’s a really lovely gesture, but, actually, you calling every day with coffee is making it harder for us to set up our own routine, so maybe if you just do it on Fridays?’ Because it can be hard to say no when the child knows [the grandparent] has pure intentions.”

7. Manage natural frustrations

“Grandparents need some outlet for feelings of ambivalence or frustration about how their adult children are parenting,” says Gottlieb, who recommends talking to a friend, or therapist; someone who won’t report back to the parents.

8. Resolve negative feelings about your grandchild’s other grandparents.

Put things in perspective, advises McCormack. “Perhaps the child [your son- or daughter-in-law] is looking to their parent for support in the parenting role. A young breastfeeding mother might want to be around her own mother more. You not being invited over all the time is nothing personal — just her own mother’s support is what’s helpful to her at this time.”

Gottlieb recommends paying attention to what you’re focusing on. Jealousy or ‘that’s not fair’ sentiments will undermine your interactions with your grandchild’s parents and with your grandchild. “Focus on interactions that are as joyful and easy as possible, which is the best way to ensure you get the most from time with your grandchild.”

9. Don’t let distance be a barrier to quality time with your grandchild

McCormack suggests discussing with your adult child the possibility of reading your grandchild a bedtime story over Zoom once or twice weekly. “Initially, if very young, the child would need parental supervision on the call. But if it becomes part of the weekly schedule, it’s something grandparent and grandchild can do independently of the parent.”

10. Be gentle with yourself when it comes to grandchildren’s big feelings

Gottlieb says very rarely, if at all, were today’s grandparents allowed as children to have tantrums or express big feelings. “They didn’t have the freedom to express their full emotional range. So it can be hard for grandparents to allow in grandchildren what was denied them all their lives.

“Their patience muscles with it will be thin, because they were never developed.”

There can be a grace for grandparents in allowing big feelings within themselves, as they would like to do for their grandchild. “Have a real conversation with your grandchild’s parent. Ask what’s the protocol here? And make an informed choice as to whether you can do that or how long you can do it for.”

11. Say ‘no’ without feeling guilty

The child is the parents’ full responsibility; any help the grandparents give is a generosity, says Gottlieb. “Sometimes, grandparents feel they can’t say no. But only the parents chose to bring the child into the world. They can hope for some support, but nothing is owed.”

12. Say what you’d like your grandchildren to call you

“So much about grandparenting is deferring to the parents. The name you’d like to be called is one area where you can have agency or choice,” says Gottlieb.