Dr Tony Bates: Acceptance is at the heart of good mental health 

Clinical psychologist Dr Tony Bates starts a new series on the connection between the heart and the mind in Feelgood today. We chat to him about his philosophy of living life from the heart

Dr. Tony Bates. Photograph Moya Nolan

DR TONY BATES is a renowned clinical psychologist. Formerly the head of the Department of Psychology at St James’s Hospital, Dublin, he established the MSc in cognitive psychotherapy at Trinity College Dublin and founded Jigsaw, the National Centre for Youth Mental Health. He regularly appears on the Brendan O’Connor Show on RTÉ Radio 1 and is a published author.

In his book Breaking Open the Heart, Bates talks about the separation and losses he experienced as a child and the effect they had on his mental health.

He was three years old when his brother died. After experiencing measles with secondary encephalitis soon after the death of his brother, he was sent to live with relatives temporarily. He didn’t understand much of what was going on at the time, but later in life, he came to understand why he felt as he did.

“My mental health was always an issue and I didn’t know why until much later on,” he says. “By then, I had eventually learned how to deal with what happened, to live with the trauma. I must have done something right because right now I’m in a happy place. It’s only taken 70 years.”

Bates says he found “found his tribe” at work. “I realised that I loved working with very damaged people with serious mental health issues. I connected with them in a deep way.”

For Bates, this time of his life was pivotal. “Working with people with serious mental health issues gave me a map for the territory I was stuck in. It helped me to make sense of my past. I also found magic in the role — I was with people who had nothing more to lose, and in this state, they were so honest and open.

“It was such a privilege and a nourishing experience. I felt a connection between my heart and their heart. And that’s where the healing comes from — it’s not just from the head. You have to understand who they are and what matters to them, that’s where the solutions are.”

Healing his own trauma took time, says Bates. “I’ve done everything to try and cope with my own issues. Most of those things were escapist, whether that was having a drink of wine or watching embarrassing TV. But I wasn’t dealing with things — I was avoiding them. Now, I live with the things for a while instead of leaping to a solution. I approach this in a heart-centred, gentle way. I say ‘Hello pain, what are you trying to tell me?’. And I trust that solutions will emerge. It’s not always A or B, most likely it’s C.”

As we move through life, we face different challenges, whether that’s finding a job, starting a family, raising that family, buying a house, caring for ageing parents, getting old ourselves, and grief. But though all of these challenges are different, Bates believes how you manage them is fundamentally the same.

“The process is a constant,” he says. “It’s being with the issues and sitting with them for a while, finding your own inner strength, giving yourself the time and space to think clearly, and understanding what is helpful right now.

“Central to all that though is having a go-to person or people in your life. These are people who believe in you. They recognise you are in distress and that your pain is real. They don’t reach for a solution, they listen to you and make you feel heard, and validated. Mental health isn’t about feeling good or bad, it’s knowing and accepting how you feel and understanding what might help you at that moment.”

Sometimes, what can help in a difficult moment is simply breathing, says Bates. “Breath is the essence of physical and mental health. It connects us with our heart and brings us in touch with our inner strength. If you take the time and focus on your breathing you will feel more connected with reality. You’ll understand that you’re not alone. There is a bigger reality out there.”

BATES believes mindfulness is a gift. He trained as a mindfulness teacher in 2001 and is the patron of the Mindfulness Teachers Association of Ireland.

“The beauty about breathing, meditation, and mindfulness is that they help us to create space around our problems,” he says. “When we breathe deeply, we unlock this space and we can look at things now from a different perspective. There’s a flow in this spaciousness where we can find clarity and recover. We have the space to see what’s going on with us. And that’s when we come back to ourselves, to our hearts.”

The heart and our connection to it is the crux of Bates’s six-week series. “In this series of articles, I want to explore how we can live with open hearts and wake up to our lives. What connects us to the heart, and helps us stay connected? What difference does it make to live from the heart? How does it change how we manage conflict, engage with pain, and resolve resentments we carry towards people and institutions that intentionally wounded us?”