Sex File: Thought of getting into bed with a new woman is scary 

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I'm in my late 40s. I got divorced last year and haven't slept with anyone other than my ex-wife for more than 20 years. 

I've just about got my head around the apps, and am in reasonable shape, but I'm excited yet terrified about getting in the sack with someone new. How do I get over it?

Deep breath? Gin? Beta-blockers?

Doing something you have not done for a long time is always scary, but it can help to break it down into steps. 

First, you need to find a date. 

You can make that easier by not creating a shopping list of unrealistic expectations - do that and you will keep scrolling ad infinitum. Ultimately, being too picky is a form of avoidance.

After 20 years of marriage, you need to accept that you have no idea what you need or whom you should date. 

Try to be realistic about the age of the women you try to meet. 

Dating apps give "kid in a candy store" vibes, and middle-aged men often try to date women who are much younger than themselves. 

As people get older the ratio of men to women gradually declines, so sticking to women who are within five years of you is likely to yield a bigger selection of potential partners.

If you find someone you have a spark with, don't waste time texting. 

The only way you can tell what a person is really like is to meet them, so take it offline ASAP. 

Meet for a low-key coffee rather than a high-stakes dinner, and instead of asking yourself if a woman is hot or whether she might be girlfriend material, ask yourself if she looks like someone who is interesting, someone you could have fun with or could learn something from. 

Fun, interesting women you don't want to have sex with have friends and sisters and extended social networks where you might meet your next amour, so make a schedule and arrange to meet one new person a week, every week. 

Approach dating in the way that you would approach looking for a job. 

Dating is to some degree a numbers game, and the more you work at finding someone the more likely it is to happen.

Although I know you are anxious about sex, focus on being a great date and worry less about being a great lover. 

When you get to the point where mutually desired sex is clearly on the cards I doubt you will need instructions. 

Expect the sex to feel different, strange, even. 

It takes time to get to know a person intimately, to know their shape or their smell, or to understand the way they respond sexually. 

Even people's body temperatures are interesting. Some people run hot and their skin is always warm. Others run cool to the touch. 

You were with your wife for so long that you didn't have to ask her what she likes, but with a new partner that will be fundamental to her sexual pleasure. 

Don't be shy, and be open to learning. Women are much more impressed by a man who is curious and enthusiastic than one who makes assumptions and delivers set pieces without thinking about what his partner wants.

Having sex with a new partner is one of the fizziest, most exciting, most otherworldly experiences you can have, so don't rush any of it. 

Savour the 'unknowns', and lean into any awkwardness you feel. Remember, starting again is not an opportunity for reinvention. 

It is a chance for absolute authenticity. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

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