Sex File: Her PDAs are too much for me 

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I've recently started seeing a woman who is very physical in public. She seems to get a kick out of getting me excited at inappropriate times. It's rarely subtle and can be embarrassing. She doesn't take me seriously when I ask her to calm it down. It's not that she wants to have sex, so it makes me think she gets a thrill from making me feel awkward.

PDAs (public displays of affection) are much more common in new relationships. When couples can't keep their hands off one another, spontaneous outbreaks of hand-holding and caressing are a natural and inevitable expression of what feels like mutual obsession. The anthropologist Helen Fisher describes the all-consuming focus that defines new romantic relationships as like having someone camping in your head. You can't think about anything else, so the public aspect of PDAs is almost immaterial. New couples are so focused on each other that they barely notice where they are, let alone people rolling their eyes and silently mouthing 'get a room'.

For most people the high of new love is a time-limited experience and after six months or so very few couples are still snogging spontaneously in the street. If they are, their PDAs tend to be about putting on a performance rather than passion. People who are naturally exhibitionist will often use a PDA as a way to push the boundaries and they tend to be much more interested in the reaction of onlookers than the impact on their partner. 

They get a buzz from risk, and relish shocking those who are more conservative. People have their own tolerances for how much is too much when it comes to sexual behaviour in public, but at a certain stage in a relationship consciously choosing to French kiss when out with friends in a restaurant is definitely a form of showing off.

Your new girlfriend's behaviour sounds as if it might fit this pattern, and if you are a more reticent person than she is I can see how her attempts to arouse you in inappropriate situations might soon become irritating. You've already explained to her that you find it awkward, so her persistence suggests a degree of insensitivity or immaturity. She may also be insecure.

Almost everyone derives some feelings of self-worth from their romantic relationships, but some people's self-esteem is entirely contingent on the fact that they have a partner. People who have relationship-reliant self-esteem engage in all sorts of strategies to protect their relationship and reduce the likelihood of infidelity. 

By making a very public sexual claim on you, your girlfriend deters competition and reassures herself that she still has sexual power over you. On the one hand this behaviour is kind of flattering, while on the other hand it can be a bit much.

I'm sure your girlfriend is a lovely person but she doesn't do subtlety, so if you want to nip this behaviour in the bud you need to be sure that you don't like it. Explain to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If she says she is only having a bit of fun, make it clear that you don't find it fun. 

Being assertive about your personal boundaries is important for you and for her. No one in a respectful relationship should make their partner feel awkward. If she doesn't get that, she may not be the right partner for you.

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