Sex File: He has the radio on when we're making love 

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My boyfriend hates having sex without the radio on - sometimes pop music, sometimes the news, it doesn't seem to matter as long as there's noise. He says he feels self-conscious making love when it's too quiet. What's difficult for me is that I find it really distracting - I'd rather it was peaceful.

I imagine that your boyfriend's reliance on background noise is that he has, in the past, used it as a way to muffle the sound of sex. Worrying about being overheard when you are having sex is not uncommon and people living in shared spaces routinely turn on the radio or the TV to spare the blushes of parents or flatmates. It is a considerate gesture, but it is also a way of decreasing self-consciousness. Sex is a predominantly private act and feeling surer that no one can hear you makes it much easier to relax. However, when a specific action such as turning on the radio becomes psychologically connected to a desired outcome such as decreasing anxiety it creates a dependency, so if the radio is turned off anxiety increases. This can be particularly difficult for men because stress and anxiety trigger the release of cortisol, which can inhibit sexual response.

Because your boyfriend is obviously dependent on background noise, hitting the off switch without warning will only make him feel more stressed and self-conscious. So - let him know how much it impacts your sexual pleasure. You can then try and get him to think and talk about why he needs to have the radio on. Reassure him that you are not seeking to impose a monklike silence on lovemaking and suggest that you work together to compile a playlist that you both agree on; one that enables him to remain relaxed but which doesn't distract you. Music amplifies emotion and it uses the same reward pathways in the brain as food, drugs and sexual pleasure, so if you can find music that works for you both, it should amplify rather than impede your connection. Also, instrumental arrangements are far less distracting than songs with lyrics, so it's generally a good idea to keep the emphasis on acoustic, ambient or classical music.

Once he has become habituated to music, you can gradually begin to turn the volume down. The aim is to reduce the background noise gradually, so that he can begin to tune into the noises that you make together. Sex has its own glorious soundtrack, but if silence still makes him feel self-conscious, you may need to go back to basics and engage him in some "mindful touching" exercises.

 Mindful touching is a technique that merges the core elements of mindfulness with physical intimacy. Start with clothes on and absolutely no sound effects. Sit opposite each other, close your eyes and breathe in and out while touching each other's hands. Try to clear your minds, and just focus on textures, movements, sounds and sensations as your hands explore his. Now do the same thing with your eyes open. You can smile, but don't talk. The idea is to be completely present. You can move on to kissing, massaging with essential oil and then to making love. Mindful sex makes silence active, and it also moves it into a much more erotic, less anxious realm. If you are concentrating on the sound of your deeper, more measured breathing, or sensation of kissing, your brain simply won't have the capacity to think about anything else.

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