Colman Noctor: New mums need to ease off on guilt about returning to work 

Picture; iStock 

The rollout of the Covid-19 vaccine is giving us much-needed freedom. But for parents, it is a mixed blessing. Apart from the logistics of returning to work and finding affordable childcare, there is an emotional cost that is often unspoken about. 

Over the past 15 months, I have been contacted by many new parents about the impact of rolling lockdowns on infants. Many newborns have had little or no contact with extended family members, and due to restrictions have missed out on core socialisation experiences. Also, what we know from children of many ages, is that the cocooned nature of the last year has meant that many have developed an over-reliance on adults and parents and have struggled to reintegrate into school and sports as a result.

Many welcomed the lockdown pause button as a unique opportunity to bond with our families. But the flip side is that the intense nature of cocooning has meant that the conditions have been almost perfect for enmeshed or intense attachment. Traditionally we see this being expressed by the child who is struggling to separate, but in most cases, intense attachment is a two-way process that involves the parent’s responses as an important variable in creating this dynamic.

However, there are points in the parenting cycle where this intense attachment is not only encouraged, it also proves essential for ‘good enough’ development. Renowned psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott identified the developmental stage ‘Primary Maternal Preoccupation’ which describes how from immediately following childbirth, a mother becomes preoccupied with her infant, often to the exclusion of everything else, which permits a heightened sensitivity to the child's needs. Winnicott sees it as a necessary dynamic for the vulnerable infant’s needs to be met.

However, this phase has a shelf life and in time needs to be replaced by a more subtle, nuanced, and collective care approach. It is often at this point where other caregivers can play a more significant role in the baby’s life and the mother can enjoy greater freedom. This individuation process can be a complex time where the mother begins to prioritise her own needs, having had the infant’s needs at the forefront since giving birth.

Attachment parenting 

Some experts advocate early attachment parenting, which has a significant following in Ireland. This is where parents are encouraged to carry their baby in a sling, or engage in long-term breastfeeding, allow the child to sleep with them until they want to move into their own room or baby-led weaning when it comes to their diet. While these approaches undoubtedly suit some people, they are not for everyone. I do not believe that there is a ‘one-way to parent’, especially when it comes to attachment dynamics. While I accept that this may be rewarding for some, it can perhaps put significant pressure on some parents. The expectation of always being available can lead to an exhausting regimen and I remain unconvinced is of corresponding value.

We often hear ‘there is no manual for being a parent of a baby’, and maybe there shouldn’t be. Every child is different and many parents will have different circumstances and therefore you need to determine the approach that works best for you.

A common punctuation is often the return to work after a period of maternity leave. While the return to work can be also difficult for fathers, but for the purposes of this column, I will focus on the emotional process for mothers, especially with a firstborn.

The conflict between needing one’s independence and separating from the most precious and vulnerable person in your life to leave in the care of others can be confusing and distressing.

This process can begin long before the physical return to work. There is often several weeks of planning that goes into researching childcare options, debating the pros and cons of creche versus childminder, versus au pairs etc. The choice of childcare provider is one of the most important decisions we will have to make and, consequently, the anxiety involved is significant. However, despite these logistical considerations, and let’s say you are lucky enough to arrange childcare that you are happy with, this does not always solve the problem. The next concern is what if the childcare arrangements are too good? The new mother may worry her baby will prefer being with the childminder, more than being with her. Having spent every minute of every day investing in this bond, what if that wonderful, connected dynamic is lost?

The reality is that the nature of that relationship will change. The bond post returning to work will be different and unfamiliar to both of you. But it is important to remember that different or unfamiliar does not equal wrong. The primary maternal preoccupation needs to end to make way for the next stage of the child’s development. Its continuation could be potentially far more harmful than the separation.

Gradual changes

At some point, all infants need to begin their autonomous journey. A human baby is the most vulnerable of the animal kingdom. We see calves and giraffes beginning to walk minutes after birth, yet the human infant is far less independent. But the individuation process needs to begin early and be sustained at a pace that can be managed.

Gradual introductions are preferable to abrupt changes. Ideally, a new mother needs to practice leaving her baby with other people for periods of time as you prepare for the return to work. A gradual return to work, where you increase your days apart over a period of weeks may be preferable to the abrupt return to a 40-hour week. But the most important thing to be mindful of is your own wellbeing. Your baby will feel safer, more loved, and less vulnerable if they sense your calmness.

The best way to manage your baby’s anxiety is to manage your own. It may help to realise that overwhelming parental guilt does not improve this dynamic. You may feel that the pending return to work will be traumatic for you and your new baby, but in most cases, it is not. You and your baby may not ‘want’ to be apart, but for you both to individuate and move to a healthier more balanced point of attachment, it may be what you both need. Just because it feels wrong does not mean it is wrong. A feeling is not a fact, and sometimes our hunches and our ‘gut’ are way off the mark.

Take care of yourself in this process and make the most of the time that you still have with your baby. The baby will feed off the quality of interaction as much if not more than the quantity. 

I have worked in children’s mental health for 25 years and I have never seen any evidence that correlates working mothers or children in childcare with emotional or psychological issues in children. What matters most is the deep and healthy bond between the parent and child.

Leaving your baby in the care of others to return to work will be difficult. All change and transition are difficult. But you can make it less challenging by pacing the separation process and managing your own expectations of yourself. This involves tolerating the uncertainty of it, and most importantly, easing off on your own sense of guilt.