Sex File: Why do men bore me so much? 

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I'm a 31-year-old woman and I cannot seem to stay interested in a sexual partner for longer than six months. I try so hard, but I find myself looking outside the relationship for another partner after a few months. Am I faced with relationship hopping for the rest of my life?

A: The reason you feel compelled to pursue new "sexual partners" is the same reason you felt compelled to pursue previous ones - the clue is in your use of that phrase. Sexual attraction is human catnip, and the euphoria that we experience in the early stages of a new relationship is the best natural high there is. The brain responds to the erotic cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and serotonin in the same way that it responds to MDMA, cocaine or heroin and, as with the class-A substances, the high doesn't last - the all-consuming passion that propels new relationships has a shelf life of about six months, as you have discovered.

If you consistently jump into relationships that have no foundation other than sex, it is not surprising that you constantly have one eye on the door. Genuinely compatible couples have great sex, but they also tend to share similar values or beliefs. So if you want a relationship to last, you need to look for more than just sexual attraction. 

"Falling in love" is romanticised as a non-agentic experience that we have no control over, but everything we do is a decision, and there is nothing wrong with being strategic about who you date. At 31 you are absolutely right to start being more discerning about your relationship decisions. Liking someone isn't enough, nor is them being "a nice guy". You need to find a partner who is interested and interesting; who challenges and motivates you; who respects you and whom you respect in turn.

Although there is no scientific way to ensure that you pick someone you really connect with next time, the American psychologist Arthur Aron constructed a set of 36 "closeness-generating" questions (first published in 1997) designed to accelerate the development of intimacy between two strangers. The questions are broken down into three sets and gradually become more probing. The aim is to accelerate reciprocal self-disclosure and force the individuals involved to reveal their vulnerabilities. The questions range from "If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?" to "Take four minutes to tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible". If you want to give it a go, the questions are easy to find online - google "Arthur Aron + 36 questions".

Although the reason you are bouncing from partner to partner is probably because you haven't met the right one yet, I must also mention that a small percentage of people become addicted to the chemical hit they experience at the beginning of a relationship. They're referred to as "love addicts", though it's not exactly love they're addicted to. When things calm down, and a relationship moves from lust and attraction to attachment, they lose interest.

Love addicts are addicted to "the chase", and they will often have several relationships on the back burner. They persuade themselves over and over again that if they can just secure their next relationship they will be able to settle, but it never happens.

People who are love addicts are often extremely functional. They can provide convincing explanations for their behaviours, and they don't generally reveal their inner turmoil until the wheels fall off. Rejection is not something they can cope with, and in their efforts to avoid that possibility they tie themselves up in knots.

If this scenario rings alarm bells I'd strongly advise that you look for a therapist rather than a new partner. 

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