Sex File: We don't use sex toys. Does that make us boring?

'Vibrator use during sex with a partner has grown in recent years but they are still mainly bought by women to use alone'

Mon, 03 May, 2021 - 07:00

Suzi Godson

We are in our 20s and all our friends use sex toys apart from us. Does that make us boring?

Nope. It makes you pretty normal. Your friends are the unusual ones because most couples don't use sex toys when they have sex together. In its broadest context the term "sex toys" could encompass everything from a blindfold to oral sex popping candy (yes, really) but when people talk about "using" sex toys they mainly mean vibrators, which are primarily used for solo sex. Vibrator use during sex with a partner has grown in recent years but they are still mainly bought by women to use alone.

In 2009 Michael Reece and Debby Herbenick at Indiana University did some thorough studies looking at how men and women use vibrators. They examined male behaviour and found that, although 40% of men had used a vibrator during sex with a partner, only 10% had done so in the previous month.

Their companion study of female vibrator use generated similar results. It found that 52% of the women studied had "ever" used a vibrator. Those who had used a vibrator during intercourse with a partner totalled 37% but only 10% had used one with a partner in the previous month.

Although 52% of the vibrator-using men in the study said that they had used a vibrator to spice up their sex life, 40% said that they did it to help their partner to have an orgasm.

In the women's study 33% of vibrator-using participants said that it was because it made it easier for them to have an orgasm. These figures suggest that about 40% of couples will explore using vibrators during sex but they are not integral to the experience. They also indicate that vibrator use during partner sex can be a way of facilitating orgasm - or sometimes compensating for sexual dysfunction.

It's interesting that you found out that all your friends are using sex toys because most couples would not share that intimate information with their mates. Having said that, your age means that you probably have a more open social dialogue than a group of female friends in older generations. Now that you do know, it is of course human nature to compare yourself with your peer group. If your entire social circle is advocating sex toys, I can understand why not doing so makes you feel left out.

Social comparison is sometimes how people work out who they are but it can leave us feeling a bit inadequate if we feel that we don't measure up to our peers. Sex is not like other activities, though. It is essentially a private interaction between two people who are only interested in each other and who generally don't give a monkey's about what other people get up to. If you and your partner are having great sex without battery-operated devices and role-play outfits, you are doing just fine.