Ask Audrey: 'I'll end up looking like a woman from Kanturk'

Sorting out Posh Cork for ages!

It’s busier than Joe Wicks on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Profile Photos Are At Least Five Years Old. FiFi_GuessMyAgeGoOnGuessIt is deva because her top end vaginoplasty was cancelled, and it seems certain that her husband Mark will move into the attic with the au pair. As for me, I haven’t had a botox injection in four weeks and I’m starting to look my age. This is a problem because I’m a senior exec with an American multinational and I’m worried about looking old on our video calls. Do you think I should tell them I’ve become a Muslim so I can wear a veil? – Dee, Douglas Road.

My Posh Cousin addresses this in her new podcast, Oh Jesus Look At My Face. She said, a lot of people are defying the lockdown to get their injections. I said, that will raise a few eyebrows. She said, zero chance of that with all the botox. #Hilaire.

C’mere, what’s the story with forcing my old doll to break it off with me during the lockdown? We’ve been living together for six years and I’d a be lying to you if I said the sex was any good. We do be like brother and sister at this stage and I don’t mean like that brother and sister pair on the English Gogglebox who do be always acting like they’re gagging for it with each other. (Disgustin’). I’m thinking ofgetting her to break it off with me but she won’t be able to move out because of the lockdown, so we’ll be end up having ex-sex bangy bangy morning, noon and night. The thing is, she didn’t break it off with me even after she saw the photos of Budgie’s stag, so I’ll need something good to tip her over the edge lah. Any ideas? – Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I tried this last year with My Conor. I said, let’s take a break and enjoy some ex-sex. He said, done. I said, see you in a month, if you need me I’ll be under this guy I went out with in Cape Cod.

Bonjour old stock. I had seven pints with Hoggy last night over WhatsApp, it was enjoyable enough until pint five, when the old instincts kicked in and I shouted “get your coat, you’ve scored” at an imaginary blonde in our ‘bar’. Unfortunately, the wife Marjorie heard me from next door, got the wrong idea completely and didn’t I end up having sex with her rather than getting into an awkward explanation. Anyway, that’s by the by - Hoggy and I have decided to make use of our time in lockdown to learn French, by video link. Do you know a French person that would like to teach us the old language of love? – Reggie, Blackrock, we’d be looking for a lasher.

They wouldn’t be looking for you. Still, well done for trying something new. I’m sexting one of the top three solicitors in Cork at the moment, he was on to me last night to say he’s going to use this time to do something he’s been putting off for years. I said fair play, it’s about time you paid income tax!

I’ll have you know that I’m from the third wealthiest family in Mallow. The problem now is if I don’t get my hair cut this week I’ll end up looking like a woman from Kanturk. (Wait another seven days, and you could be talking Kilmallock.) My hairdresser is closed, but said she’d call to my house if I want for no extra charge. The problem is this woman is from the semi-detached side of town (she has a mobile home in Owenahincha) and probably has a dead-beat younger brother who she’ll tell about my collection of limited edition John Rocha Waterford Glass flutes, and he’ll break in and give me the coronavirus. What steps should I take to protect my property? Kathleen, Mallow, (big house on your left driving in from Killarney, can’t miss it.)

This hair thing is a big problem in Posh Cork. My friend is has a security firm in Ballintemple called Norry Blockers — I Facetimed her there and said, is it possible to fully trust my stylist? She said, not if she gave you that haircut, Audrey. #Bitchy

So the ban on gatherings of two or more people didn’t stop me from launching my new exhibition, Sketches by Rich Kid, in Ballinlough Park. (Cheers Bryan with a Y for making it along, totes blown away by how you ate all the finger food dude. ) I’ve decided to ‘give back’ to the less well off by hosting free online art courses – there’s loads of arty types in that space space right now, so I was thinking of giving my course in the nip. Do you think I’ll get famous? – Ed, Ballintemple, I’ve included a photo.

Guy writes a few sentences about himself and then sends a dick pic – this is just like Tinder! I sent it on to my friend Single Siobhan and said do you like the look of him? She said, it’s been three weeks since I went on a date, I’m starting to like the look of Piers Morgan. #HowLowCanYouGo