Ask Audrey: She told her husband try a new position, so he ran for Treasurer of Douglas Golf Club

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with my shocking libido? Up until recently, I was like a dog with two mickeys, always on the lookout for a bit of action with the old doll. Last weekend, she came back from a hen in Munich with a new pair of saucy smalls (the Germans do be filthy) and asked would I like a “fashion show”. I said yes, because what man refuses that kind of offer, but when she came out of the en-suite, nothing happened. Am I too young for Viagra at 41?

Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, is there anything to be said for porn?

Not in public. (My mother reads this, when she’s not reading me to her bridge friends in Sunday’s Well.) I asked my sex guru friend what’s good for erectile dysfunction? He said spend an hour looking at women from Clonmel, that’s guaranteed to give you erectile dysfunction. I said that’s a bit harsh. He said, fair enough, make it half an hour, we don’t want the guy suffering any more than he needs to.

#GiveItAGo.

We’re having fierce problems with our neighbour here in Wilton. It’s bad enough that she expects us to look after her mangy cat when she goes on one of her many holidays, but when her package was delivered here yesterday by mistake, it had Togher on the address. We’re not snobs or anything now like, but if she’s going around telling people we all live in Togher, that’s 50 grand off the value of our house. How can we bring this up with her?

Jerry and Mary, 100% from Wilton, her package makes a buzzing sound when we shake it.

Why am I not surprised? I told my Posh Cousin about your conundrum. She said, that’s unbelievable. I said what, that someone would pretend to be from Togher? She said no, that you’d admit to being in touch with someone from Wilton. She hung up and I haven’t heard from her since. Word is, I’m no longer welcome in Ballinlough Tennis Club. (Every cloud.)

Achtung pig trotter people. I’m leaving the 150% on-going celebrations of Leinster supremacy here in Dublin to get on a Cork-bound helicopter with this Danish chick who keeps getting mistaken for Scarlett Johansson (by me. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m great with drink on board.) Anyway, I see you have something called Cork Harbour Festival going on down there in One-Horse-Ville. Is it the kind of thing that would impress a hot Danish bird?

Gordon, Dalkey.

The festival is is very much aimed at Dublin people, with the simple message that our harbour is bigger than yours. (They say that size doesn’t matter, until they meet My Conor in a nudist colony and change their minds.) All sorts of Cork people take to the water, with 70 events on across the harbour. My favourite is Quick Hide, where Posh Cork stays indoors in the RCYC with the blinds down for the whole week, for fear they might meet their plumber rowing around in a kayak.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is reading a sex therapy book at the moment called Get Hot with your Bogman (it’s a best-seller here in West Cork.) Anyway, didn’t she turn to me during the news last night and say that if I want to put some 10-10-20 into our bedroom activity, I need to try something dangerous and new. After careful consideration, I have decided to take off the old socks and wear my sandals toes-out, as the fella says. Do you think ’twill work at all?

Dan Paddy Andy, keep going beyond Drimoleague until you’d swear something was after dying in the back of your car.

I’d say it’s about as likely to work as a teacher in July (I’m not bitter, just pointing it out.) If I was to give you one bit of advice, it would be to cut your toe-nails before giving it a go (my guess is we’d be talking hedge clippers here to get the job done.) That said, be very careful about making changes to your sex life. My best friend Cliona told her husband Ken he should try a new position, so he ran for treasurer of Douglas Golf Club and ended up having an affair with a social climber from Grange (as if there’s any other kind of person from Grange.)

Hey dawg. I’m travelling around Europe for a year because my father is loaded. I just met this guy called Paranoid Paul in a café in Amsterdam. He’s from Cork and said I should go there right now, to check out your Fitzgerald’s Park. What do you reckon?

Kylle, San Francisco, I’ll hop on a plane if you say yes.

Obedient AND rich? Where have you been hiding all my life? Fitzgerald’s Park is very cosmopolitan this time of year. You’ll find people of all colours mingling, black and white, and of course bright orange if there is a family in for communion photos (Jesus, look at Mam’s false tan!).