has been sorting out Cork people for ages
I wouldn’t blame you. Finding sex on Tinder is easier than a table-quiz question in Fermoy. (Question: Name a river in Egypt. Answer, from half the crowd: But we’re not in Egypt!) I have a similar problem with My Conor when we go on holidays in Italy. He prefers to stay in our air-conditioned villa from around 12pm to four, while I’m perfectly happy to roam around the old town, wander into a local restaurant and use facial recognition software to see if I can hit up my waiter on Tinder for a quickie. (Isn’t technology great all the same?)
— Ciara, Douglas, I’d make it up to him later. #Striptease
#Classy. I asked my Posh Cousin what’s the latest take on tattoos in Posh Cork. She said they’d be about as welcome as a tax audit on the Blackrock Road. I said what do you think of Ciara’s plan to strip if the Norry manages to keep his tattoos under wraps. She said, that’s a well known deal, it’s called tit for tat. I said, go away and don’t be so rude.
— Reggie, Blackrock, I’m not sure about Jose Mourinho.
I still definitely would, particularly if he stopped wearing those cardigans. There are two things in life you’ll never escape — Liverpool fans and the whiff of despair in Carrigaline. I rang my friend in Liverpool there and asked about his celebration plans. He said, lorra lorra propah bevying laaaah un tauntin de bizzies. (Your guess is as good as mine.)
— Hannah, Kinsale, she keeps telling me I should go to some place called Albufeira.
You’d fit in like a 10-year-old KIA in the car-park of Sunday’s Well Tennis Club. I checked with my friend Monica, she has a PhD in dumping people. She said the important thing here is that Hannah makes her case without being bitchy or talking down. I said impossible on both counts, she’s from Kinsale.
— Handsome Mahony, Blarney Street, I went to the North Mon.
Keep that to yourself. I know the North Mon is a boast up there, but south of the river you might as well turn up in a t-shirt saying “I do be robbing your house.” The two main things I’d recommend are change your address to New Sunday’s Well and try not to mention skirts and kidneys. (The words alone can make a southsider vomit.)