Ask Audrey: Two things you can't escape - Liverpool fans and the whiff of despair in Carrigaline

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with the heat. The old doll do be like a briar since it went above 17 degrees on Tuesday, she’s traipsing around the place like one of them donkeys in Lanzarote. On the other hand, I can’t get enough of it and do be sitting out the back every evening, lashing back the cans and shouting, ‘You wouldn’t get dis in Spaaaain, like.’ Do you think this is a sign we are incompatible and maybe I should sign up for Tinder?

— Proud Paul, Togher, please say yes, I’m dying to give it a go.

I wouldn’t blame you. Finding sex on Tinder is easier than a table-quiz question in Fermoy. (Question: Name a river in Egypt. Answer, from half the crowd: But we’re not in Egypt!) I have a similar problem with My Conor when we go on holidays in Italy. He prefers to stay in our air-conditioned villa from around 12pm to four, while I’m perfectly happy to roam around the old town, wander into a local restaurant and use facial recognition software to see if I can hit up my waiter on Tinder for a quickie. (Isn’t technology great all the same?)

I’m going to my cousin’s wedding on Saturday, Maryborough Woods, you’re talking well into seven figures when it comes to average net worth per guest. (She had that printed on the invitations.) Unfortunately the weather forecast is for sunshine, and I’ve started seeing a mechanic called Derek, because Douglas guys are like totally rubbish in bed, and he’ll probably want to roll up his sleeves and show off his Gen Rovers tattoos. This alone could be enough to get Mum kicked out of Douglas Golf Club. Do you think I should ask Derek to keep his jacket on?

— Ciara, Douglas, I’d make it up to him later. #Striptease

#Classy. I asked my Posh Cousin what’s the latest take on tattoos in Posh Cork. She said they’d be about as welcome as a tax audit on the Blackrock Road. I said what do you think of Ciara’s plan to strip if the Norry manages to keep his tattoos under wraps. She said, that’s a well known deal, it’s called tit for tat. I said, go away and don’t be so rude.

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy are life-long Man United fans, or at least we were until they stopped winning. Many is the weekend we flew first-class to Manchester, drank 10 cans on the plane and shouted ‘you’re well fit, lass’ at stunners on the tram. (We’d go to the odd game as well.) Obviously life will be unbearable if Liverpool win the Champions League this weekend. Where would be a good place to hide if they do?

— Reggie, Blackrock, I’m not sure about Jose Mourinho.

I still definitely would, particularly if he stopped wearing those cardigans. There are two things in life you’ll never escape — Liverpool fans and the whiff of despair in Carrigaline. I rang my friend in Liverpool there and asked about his celebration plans. He said, lorra lorra propah bevying laaaah un tauntin de bizzies. (Your guess is as good as mine.)

I was a bit hungover and giddy two weeks ago and didn’t I make the mistake of going into the kitchen and drinking my morning coffee with the cleaning lady. Then last week, when I was busy taking photos of my toenails for Instagram, she arrived in with my coffee and sat down for our ‘little chat’, as she calls it. There is no point in pretending I have anything in common with this woman from Ecuador or is it Brazil? Do you think it would be rude to tell her to stick to the cleaning?

— Hannah, Kinsale, she keeps telling me I should go to some place called Albufeira.

You’d fit in like a 10-year-old KIA in the car-park of Sunday’s Well Tennis Club. I checked with my friend Monica, she has a PhD in dumping people. She said the important thing here is that Hannah makes her case without being bitchy or talking down. I said impossible on both counts, she’s from Kinsale.

C’mere what’s the story with denying my Norrie roots for financial gain? I do be doing an interview for a big software company next week and I took a look at their website there, and I’m not racist or nothing, but judging by the photos at their sport’s day, there don’t be too many people there from the northside. Then I looked up the interviewer on Linkedin and the nobby gobshite do have a post about sailing down to Baltimore. Time for Handsome Mahony to change his accent — any tips?

— Handsome Mahony, Blarney Street, I went to the North Mon.

Keep that to yourself. I know the North Mon is a boast up there, but south of the river you might as well turn up in a t-shirt saying “I do be robbing your house.” The two main things I’d recommend are change your address to New Sunday’s Well and try not to mention skirts and kidneys. (The words alone can make a southsider vomit.)